You're Not a Bad Parent: A Letter to the Voices in Your Head

Originally publish Apr. 20th, 2023. Written by Amanda Diekman

“I’M A BAD PARENT.”

You have heard this message spoken aloud in criticism and whispered in judgmental looks. It lingers in your brain, sneaking in when things are hardest and you are closest to despair. Here's the truth: The parenting hand we're dealt can be incredibly hard. Sometimes we don't have the tools, resources, or support to rise to the challenge before us. But you are showing up for your struggling child, day after day. You get to step away from that game of judgment entirely, neither fearing being bad or proving being good. You are a BRAVE PARENT.

“I’M MESSING THEM UP.”

Many of us fear that future day when our kid is talking in therapy about their hard childhood and all the ways we messed up. But let's pause on that image for a second: Your adult child is self-aware and self-compassionate enough to seek support from a trained counselor in their time of need. They are brave enough to delve into their own story to seek freedom and a new path. They are healing the inevitable ruptures and pain of being a human being in relationship. What beauty! What strength! Our job isn't to get everything right. It's to see, respect, and love them, exactly as they are.

“I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE.”

"I can't do it anymore" means "I can't do it without more support." You can't go on as you are, without more support. Support can come from many corners. It can look like asking the bagger to help you load your groceries into your car so you can focus on wrangling your child. It can be calling and asking for an excellent book recommendation at your public library so you have an amazing read to sink into a night. It can be setting an alarm for yourself to get into bed on time for enough rest. What kind of support can you find?

"I can't do it ANYMORE." "I can't do it anymore" means "I can't do it without more support." You can't go on as you are, without more support. Support can come from many corners. It can look like asking the bagger to help you load your groceries into your car so you can focus on wrangling your child. It can be calling and asking for an excellent book recommendation at your public library so you have an amazing read to sink into a night. It can be setting an alarm for yourself to get into bed on time for enough rest. What kind of support can you find?

“I JUST NEED TO BE TOUGHER.”

Dominant parenting culture and standard therapeutic approaches have fed us the belief that if we were only consistent, firm, and boundaried, our kids would trust us and behave the way we want. This may work for some kids, but it definitely does not work for all. And if it was working beautifully for your family, you probably wouldn't be here. Instead of doubling down on toughness, sink into your creativity and flexibility. How many creative ways can you think of to solve your problem? How flexible can you be while still getting your core needs met?

"I'M ALL ALONE."

Loneliness and isolation are the most common things I hear with coaching clients and members of our Low Demand Community. "No one understands." "I have no one to talk to about how I'm parenting." Here's the truth: You are not alone anymore. There is a global community of us practicing low demand parenting, and we get it. The beauty and joy. The difficulty and pain. The confusion and challenge. I hear stories every day in my DMs of low demand successes, ways that releasing demands and embracing connection is transforming families around the world. I can say definitively: You are not alone. We are here.