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Mailbag: Aggression, name calling & meltdowns

Season #1

In this deeply empathetic mailbag episode of the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman answers two listener questions about navigating the challenges of dysregulated kids:

  1. Physical Aggression and Meltdowns: What do you do when your child is physically aggressive, whether toward you or siblings? Amanda shares strategies for:

    • De-escalation: Dropping demands in the moment to reduce tension and prioritize safety.
    • Co-regulation: Staying grounded so your child can borrow your calm to find their own.
    • Practical tips for balancing priorities like safety versus expectations, and the importance of repair after meltdowns.

  2. Name-Calling and Emotional Pain: How do you handle deeply painful words from a dysregulated child? Amanda dives into:

    • Why name-calling is a symptom of deep dysregulation, not malice.
    • How dropping the expectation that “hurtful words won’t happen” fosters connection and healing.
    • The transformative work of exploring why certain behaviors hurt you, healing your own emotional wounds, and modeling resilience for your child.

This episode is filled with actionable strategies, personal reflections, and encouragement for parents navigating the complexities of dysregulated kids.

 

Time Stamps:

00:46 Understanding Dysregulation in Children

03:14 De-escalation and Co-regulation Strategies

10:16 Addressing Name Calling and Emotional Safety

18:39 Healing and Self-Reflection for Parents

20:38 Conclusion and Listener Engagement



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Transcript: 

  Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life.

Today, we have a mailbag episode where I answer your questions about things that are concerning you, things that you're facing as a low demand family. In this mailbag episode, I'm responding to two questions about kids who are really dysregulated. We'll cover aggression and meltdowns and picking fights and calling names in this episode, but I just want to note that not all kids show their dysregulation through external behaviors.

This It is called externalizing, when we can see the fact that their nervous system is overtaxed, that they're having big feelings, that they don't have tools to manage, and when they're beyond their window of tolerance, basically a kid that's dysregulated, we see it on the outside in the way that they behave and act.

And many kids do this. They take their insides and they bring them outside and we can see it easily. Anyone can. But some kids are just as dysregulated. They're just as outside their window of tolerance. They're just in just as much pain on the inside. But rather than bringing it out, they will internalize their dysregulation.

They'll bring it out. inside their own bodies, often by controlling their bodies through perfectionism. It can result in eating disorders or self harm. And all of these internalizers are much harder to spot. Their dysregulation and is masking as a good kid who's doing just fine. And that is how they want to be perceived often.

And so it takes a really astute eye, whether you're a parent or a caregiver or a therapist or a teacher, it really takes a keen adult to sense a kid who's struggling and who's hiding their struggle. All of the responses and all of the ideas in this episode will still apply, even if you're Disregulated kid is imploding instead of exploding.

Let's get into the questions. We have a question about physical aggression against mother or against siblings and what to do. My first answer is always pay attention to the situation where it happened. Ask yourself, what was too hard for my child in this situation? How can I drop it next time so that we don't have this situation?

So that my child is not even escalated in the first place. Let's say you can't and it's already happening, which is what we call in the moment. So in the moment, there are two priorities. You're going to deescalate and co regulate. The principles of de escalate are that first you look and see, is there an obvious demand that I can drop that is too hard?

Let's say you're pushing your kid to get in the car and they are hitting you or their sibling on the sidewalk and screaming at you. It feels like there's a ton of pressure there because you've got a full grocery cart and the car is loaded up with frozen stuff and you need them to get in the car so you can get this stuff home.

It might seem really hard, but can you drop the demand that they get in the car at that moment? Part of the reason that we drop the demand in the moment is that your child is not capable of meeting this expectation and that continuing to hold it right now is only going to give you worse and worse options.

By dropping the demand, you back up to bad options, and that's where we want to go. That's the right direction. We've got worse, we've got bad, and then we can get to better. Better and good are all going to happen in prevention and proactive planning. Bad and worse is what happens in the moment. But you assess your options, you notice what is going to make this situation worse, what's going to make this situation better, and prioritize what matters most.

So the popsicles getting a little bit melty or your chicken thawing a bit is probably less significant in the moment than you getting hurt, your child running off in a crowded parking lot, or a sibling becoming traumatized. In those moments, sometimes it seems so desperate. I've got to get these groceries home.

You have got to get in this car. And holding the demand seems to make more sense, logically. But actually, when we bring our priorities online, and we bring our thinking brain back online, and we step out of autopilot, we can recognize what matters most, what actually matters most, and sacrifice the things that are less important.

Which in our hypothetical situation is our popsicles. You're gonna de escalate by dropping the demand that your child get in the car and instead allow them to cry or to flail or to whatever they need to do by letting the things that are too hard go. In the moment you tell your child, I see you, I see what you're struggling with.

I know what matters most. I will be your calm in the storm. I will let things go. And you are allowed to have this moment. You are allowed to have a hard time. I'm not going to hold it against you. In that moment, you do your own work to actually let those popsicles or that chicken or whatever it is.

That's your sacrificing to actually let it go. If you toss those items straight in the trash because it took a full hour and they're not good anymore, then that's okay. All of this is hypothetical, but I hope what you're hearing me say is that you let go of the demand that you're holding in the moment, look for how to reconnect and reestablish safety for the child who's melting down and you sacrifice the things that are less important for the things that are most important.

So you've de escalated. You've dropped the demand that's too hard. Now you're going to co regulate. Co regulation is where your brain actually sends signals to your kid's brain to give them signals to calm invisibly. And this sounds so woo and like fake science, but it's actually real science. When you practice co Regulation in your body, your regulated brain is actually the primary thing that your child will use in order to regulate themselves.

You allow your child to tap into your prefrontal cortex, your regulation center. The core of co regulation is do what you need to do to regulate your own body so that you are a stable place for your child to land when they're having a hard time. This is an excellent place to get proactive, which is figuring out what are you going to do in the moment, practically.

Are you going to take a deep breath? Does that actually feel good to you or does it make you spin out of control? Are you going to do like me and wiggle your toes to try to stay present so you don't dissociate because a dissociated brain cannot actually co regulate for another person's brain? Are you going to notice five things around you?

Close your eyes for a second and say, I can trust this. Does that give you the ability to be a presence for your child? You don't have to be miraculously calm if that doesn't feel accessible to you. You don't have to fake it. What you want to do is find your own way of coming back into yourself and being present.

and noticing that you are okay. If you can access that feeling of, I am okay, then you are co regulating for your child. And then beyond doing something for yourself, whatever that quick reminder or mantra is for you to get back into your body, to get back into your okay ness, then you think about, what does my kid need in this moment to get back into their okay ness?

Is it something sensory related? I don't know. Do they need to scream? Do they need to punch? Do they need to kick? Do they need to squeeze? Do they need to grab? Do they need a hug? Do they need a swing? Is it something emotion related? Do they need some space to feel their feelings? I know in our family and different things are needed in different times.

And so co regulation is often thinking really nimbly on my feet. How can I use the space I'm in and the time that this is? To meet this kid's needs as much as possible and sometimes it's simple math like is the least painful option right now. How do I get us home in the most accessible way? Or how do I have the fewest people hurt?

Because there's not always a magical great option. Sometimes there's just terrible and even more terrible. And so you do the math and you figure out which one is less terrible. Do that in order to get back to your safe place and then do what needs to be done to do healing and repair. I just want to diffuse the myth that there's a really great way of handling this out there and that you're just messing up because you're not doing that really great way.

Sometimes there's not. Sometimes you get home, you get safe, and you repair, because that's the best you can do in this situation. It's always wise to weigh consequences. Letting your kid ride in the front seat without a seatbelt, which seems crazy unsafe, but maybe that's less unsafe than having them ride in the front with a seatbelt, actively hurting you and hitting you while you're driving down the highway.

Make your real time decision. About what is your best option? Not in a hypothetical, ideal world, best case scenario. No, we are operating in worst case scenario right now and it is okay. That first question is really practical. It's about what do you do when things are going off the rails and you're out in public and you, you need strategies in the moment.

Our next question is a lot more about your mindset and your approach. It's more about how you set up your family support structures to help both you and your child feel safe and seen. And, as I'll mention in this question, it comes out of my lived experience and a deep desire to help you move more quickly into a state of more ease and joy than I did and not to get stuck in the same pitfalls.

So, here is question two. It's a question from Mary. She is ready to drop the demand of being polite in neuro normative ways, but wants to hold a line at no name calling for anyone at any time. Because the reality is that when her daughter is feeling really dysregulated, some of the things that she says are just intolerable for Mary.

So I'm ready and really eager to step into this with you because I completely get where you're coming from on this and I want to help you make progress faster than I did. I learned the hard way that holding on to these non negotiables in order to protect myself Ultimately, worked against my long term goal of healing the relationship with my child so that they can show up in their best way towards me, so that I don't always get the worst of the worst.

Ultimately, name calling. On point, very specific, very mean name calling. Is just another behavioral signal of dysregulation. And you, you mentioned this in your question that this happens when she's dysregulated, when dysregulated name calling happens. That's right, a brain and nervous system Detecting threat at such a high level so far beyond the window of tolerance We're expressing that I feel like my life is at risk.

I am Existentially like I feel like I could die. My very existence is on the line. So I'm going to use it Every protective mechanism that I have in my arsenal in order to protect myself because ultimately your daughter Mary is looking both to thrive and to stay safe. So here is the reality. The brain and the nervous system essentially have two modes.

There it's either safe or not safe. It's an on or an off. And if your child is in not safe, Then their prefrontal cortex, our highest level brain functioning, the place where they have stored things like mom told me that this is a non negotiable, that it hurts her when I say these words, that part of their brain is literally not functioning in that moment.

It is a survival mechanism. So she literally cannot Remember that this is a family role. She cannot remember this hurts mom. And I will feel devastated that I said these words to her. It's not there. It's not possible. It's as though she were in a wheelchair. And you were expecting her to get up and walk.

Literally not possible. Then what is the function of a rule? Let's say you say to your child, we don't do name calling. It's just how we are in this family. Can we both agree that we don't want to do this, that we just want this to be not a part of our dynamic anymore. We don't want to hurt each other this way.

And she's feeling connected. Her whole brain lit up with connection and trust. And she's, yes, mom. Yes, I don't want to hurt you this way. I really don't. You're like, yes, we did it. And then what happens? Another meltdown happens, and boom, you're right back to the same behavior. The part of her brain that would stop her isn't functioning in that moment.

You might say yes, but she doesn't say this to anybody else. Yes, that is true. This is the hard part for parents in order to remain their safe person. Her body perceives safety with you. She isn't doing all of the extra neuropsychological things that are required in order to remain hyper vigilant. That's the complex reality of masking.

Masking requires. So much from our brain, our body, and our nervous system, it requires this radical disconnect from our bodies and from the real emotional reactions that are happening inside of us, but the body never forgets. I can never let my guard down. I am always prey and the predators are everywhere.

I must remain hypervigilant at all times. That comes at a severe cost. The meltdown has happened. The words came out, you got hurt. She felt so deeply unsafe, that she said things she didn't mean to, which comes along with a whole layer. self loathing and it comes at a cost to the relationship with you.

Maybe she's lost the one person in the world that she can actually be safe with. What happens when we drop that final frontier, that last barrier that we want to desperately to hold, to say that the only way I can be okay as your grownup. is to hold this last line. This is just not okay with me. When we let that go, what it does is tell our children, no matter what you say, I will be here.

No matter how you wound me, I know how to take care of myself. I know how to show up for you. Because I know how to repair. Because I am the person who will model for you what it looks like to be safe. Inside of myself that no matter how the world comes at me, I know how to repair with myself. So that is the hard message that I have to share with you on a simple level.

I would love it if If you could just hold one last thing, the last thing you want to hold is you can't hurt your siblings. They've been hurt enough. I will not let this go. Or maybe it's, I won't let you use this particular word with me. I just won't. You can't do it. I want that to be true for you. I want you to be able to hold onto that.

I so do. The simple, hard, heartbreaking message is. It doesn't work. Ultimately, holding that deepens your child's shame, disconnection, and sense of unsafety in their relationship with you. It makes it even harder to repair. The memory of rupture without repair breaks down that relationship. Ultimately, what we're trying to do here with low demand is put more and more investments in the safety column, in the trust column, in the connection column, letting go of the expectation that you won't say mean things to me actually makes it more likely that she won't say mean things to you.

It's so counterintuitive. It's mind blowing. I know. Letting go is your fastest, surest path to the thing that you want. But I can totally hear you getting upset and saying, But Amanda, are you saying every time my daughter gets upset, I get my feelings hurt? I have to feel this terrible way just so she can feel safe?

What about me? What about my safety? I can't be safe in this relationship. I'm getting hurt like this. And you're right. And we're right at the heart of it. Your work in this relationship is to dig deep into why these words hurt you. Why this is your final frontier. What in your story has made this kind of name calling so excruciatingly painful and unsafe?

When we heal in those really raw, really deep, very intimate pieces of our own story, Then we gain the power to show up for our children, no matter what they throw at us. Whether it's modeling for them or just doing it for ourselves, we move through this last huge piece of our own pain that we've carried with us all this way into adulthood.

This moment with our child is inviting us to look at it, to heal it and to walk on as a whole person. In so many ways, these things circle back around to Greece, grieving the people who have called you names in the past, the part of you that has longed your entire life to feel safe in a relationship where no one would ever cut you down.

To be truly safe in your most intimate relationships, you want that and you deserve that. You will achieve that in your relationship to yourself. You ultimately are the one. You can love yourself the way you need to be loved. You can heal the parts of you that need to be healed so you can show up for your child.

And in the meantime, this is an imperfect journey. So you show up partially healed and partially broken. And so does she. We walk with each other through the hard stuff. And we try and we stumble and we learn how to say I love you anyway. If you have a question for our mailbag episodes, I'd love to hear from you.

You can go to www.amandadiekman.com/podcast for a place to send me your questions.

If this podcast is speaking to your soul, you can subscribe through wherever you get your own podcasts. Even better, if you feel the nudge, head on over to Apple podcasts in particular and leave us a review. It's such a helpful way for new people to also get to experience what this podcast wants to bring into their lives.

I'm Amanda. Remember it takes great strength to let things go. I'll see you next week.