Why Low Demand Parenting Is Not Permissive Parenting

Many of us fear being too "permissive." It's rarely defined clearly, but always lurks. In 1966, Diana Baumrind defined three prototypical parenting styles in the journal Child Development: authoritarian, authoritative and permissive. She defined "permissive parenting" as being nurturing and warm, but reluctant to impose limits or set boundaries. Baumrind stated that permissive parents don't closely monitor their children's behavior or use rules or standards of behavior and perceive them as equals. She declared that this style of parenting has the worst outcomes of all three. (She also held the controversial belief that corporeal punishment wasn't harmful to children.)

WHAT IS BEHIND THIS FEAR?

The judgment toward "permissive parenting" comes within a particular worldview of children's thriving. The school of thought that judges and marginalizes permissive parenting believes that the goals of good parenting are to produce children who achieve certain standards in school and meet narrowly defined benchmarks of independence. This definition of thriving is ableist, based on neurotypical standards of success, such as obedience and conformity. Thus far, outcome-based studies do not adequately account for neurodivergence among children or parents nor the unique challenges of raising a neurodivergent child in a neurotypical world.

HOW LOW DEMAND IS DIFFERENT

That said, low demand parents are still not "permissive" or "lax." The low demand approach uses a nuanced definition of thriving that includes robust mental health, the ability for self-determination, healthy interdependence, and skills in complex problem solving and creative thinking.

The underlying philosophy is that children always do well when they can, and that external rewards and consequences have adverse effects on children's mental health and internal motivation.

Cutting-edge advances in neuroscience teach us that children's "negative behaviors" are all stress behaviors that reveal an unstable neurosystem signaling distress. The fastest and most durable way to reduce these behaviors is to bring stability to the child's neurobiology, which enables them to achieve their own high standards for behavior. Low demand parenting is not "easier," nor are parents simply permitting "bad behavior" without scrutiny. Low demand parents are highly attuned to their children and are learning from their behaviors.

This style of parenting is deeply relational. Mutual and genuine trust are the hallmark of low demand families.

Low demand parents do not perceive their children as equals. Rather, they understand their child's unique developmental stage, adapting to both their potential and struggles. Low demand parents simultaneously respect their children's innate personhood and believe that they are equally deserving of respect, regardless of their developmental stage or level of independence.

WHAT ABOUT BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS?

The purpose of a healthy boundary is to make children feel safe, reduce anxiety, encourage mutual respect, and to develop secure attachment. For some children, certainty and direction make them feel safe. For others, autonomy and self-direction make them feel safe. Low demand parenting uses each of these tools to respond to the particular child as they communicate what they need to thrive. Importantly, low demand parenting teaches kids to know their own limits and boundaries, so they can respect others'.

WHAT TO SAY TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT?

First of all, you don't owe anyone an explanation.

You are allowed to parent in the way that resonates with you and your child. You deserve partners on your journey, and a partner does not start with a posture of judgment. They try to understand.

Second, here are scripts you can use:

For a casual observer who seems judgy:

Shrug and say, “This is what works for us." Move on.

For an acquaintance who genuinely cares:

I use a specific parenting method to focus on connection over expectations.

For explaining to a grandparent or close friend:

I am working to intentionally create a lifestyle that calms my child, so they can thrive. The key to calming them is lowering what I ask of them proactively, in advance. Ironically, by asking less, my child is able to do more because they are calm and steady. This also creates a family culture of trust and connection, which I am prioritizing over everything else. This is what is working for us, and I'd love to talk about it more, if you're interested.

For explaining to a caregiver, therapist, or someone who will be interacting with your child:

We use a pretty specific caregiving method for this child. It’s especially effective for uniquely wired kids surviving a world not made for them. My kiddo is [share any specific diagnoses or traits]. So to keep their brain-body system calm and steady, we use a low-demand approach. We reduce demands so that our expectations align with their capacity, and we focus on trusting connection. Here are some ideas to use this strategy: When you’re interacting, use as few words as possible, relax your shoulders, smile and speak slowly. We do not make them… (tell them your specific adaptations).