Why “I’m Sorry” Doesn’t Work and What To Do Differently

FORCED APOLOGIES

"Can you say, 'I'm sorry'?"

"You need to apologize."

"He's so sorry."

Forced apologies are a staple of the childhood experience. These apologies typically must happen immediately and are compulsory. The child cannot leave the painful experience until they use these certain words.

From strangers on the playground to teachers and parents, kids are forced to apologize all day long. But perhaps the most common place for forced apologies is among siblings.

WHY TO DROP FORCED APOLOGIES

Forced apologies teach our kids that mistakes are healed by words alone, and that it doesn't matter what they feel or think, as long as they say the right words. For our kids that are already prone to masking, forced apologies reinforce and groom the mask. Forced apologies also may trigger our kids' nervous system response, making them feel even more stressed, dysregulated, and unsafe, which is what likely led to the need for an apology in the first place--meaning we may see even more dysregulated behavior in pursuit of an apology.

WHY FORCED APOLOGIES EXIST

Parents enforce an apology to clearly teach their children that what they did was not right and that they owe some display of contrition and repair to another person. The words "I'm sorry" when accompanied by powerful emotion can be immensely healing and restorative. Genuine apology absolute works for healing relationships. The problem is that genuine apologies take time and reflection.

So what do you do to signal to the hurt sibling that you see their pain and that it matters?

A FRESH TAKE: “MAKE IT RIGHT”

We have introduced a healing ritual between the siblings in our family after some sort of rupture of trust. We call it "make it right," and it is sacred to us. When someone has been hurt, physically or emotionally, or their trust has been broken, we give time first for the dysregulating emotional experience to settle and for both parties to return to balance. Then I go to the hurt person and gently ask, "How can we make it right?" I have given them countless examples and ideas, so that we have a reservoir of experiences to draw from. At the start, you'll need to make suggestions.

WAYS TO “MAKE IT RIGHT”

If a brother was hit, I may suggest a gentle touch on the arm or a hug.

If a precious creation was knocked down, I may suggest that we all work together to rebuild it.

If someone broke the rules of a game, I may suggest we write the rules down so that everyone agrees to them in advance.

If someone said something hurtful, I may suggest a kind word or an "I love you".

HEALING WHAT WAS BROKEN

Then I travel to the person who did the hurting: "I feel terrible when I hurt someone. I don't like feeling terrible. It's a really bad feeling. Your brother had an idea to make it go away, to make things right again. He wonders if you could touch his arm gently. That would make it right."

The concept of making it right immediately appealed to my kids. They long for connection and stability. They rely on each other intimately. They want to make it right.

ISN’T THIS JUST ANOTHER WAY TO FORCE THEM?

No. The option to restore is open, but not forced. Sometimes we just can't take the step.

I return to the hurt child and say, "Your brother feels terrible about it but is still too upset to make it right. We can only repair things when we are calm and steady. And he's still very upset. Let's try again a bit later."

The hurt child feels heard. Their need for repair matters. They also see that they won't be forced when they are too upset. Repair is a genuine emotional experience, it can't be forced.

HOW “MAKE IT RIGHT” HAS CHANGED THINGS

The concept of repair is a powerful one.

In repair, we have the courage to bravely name what has been broken because we know that we all make mistakes, and that repair and healing are always available to us. We set aside perfection, and instead choose to be human. Humans who love other humans will hurt other humans. This is universal. So we need to learn how to name our pain and move into spaces of genuine healing. My kids now have hundreds of experiences of repair, so they are less afraid of pain. They know how to make it right.

THE TAKEAWAY

We can set aside the forced apology and mindfully choose a new rhythm: regulate & repair.

First, we regulate our bodies and emotions so that we can access our thinking brain, which is where we engage with questions of repair. Second, we move toward one another without shame and with genuine desire to heal. We let the hurt person take the lead, and look for spaces of mutual desire for repair.