Why I Do Not Limit Screentime

Here’s my big truth: I do not control my children’s screen time.

 They can have screen time as often as they want, as long as they want, without judgment or shame. 

If this means they watch YouTube for 12 hours a day, I will not shame them. If they want me to watch with them, I do. When they create a Minecraft world just to trap me in the dungeon, I wallow in the depths of despair in my basement dungeon hell hole. When they want to talk to me about the latest Fortnite skins and exactly why season two, episode eight was the best yet, I listen and ask questions. 

Another truth: I am not a gamer myself.

Of all of the passions on the earth that my children could choose, gaming would be on the bottom for me. But my kids are hopelessly in love with video games. 

And one last truth: Parent culture is heavy on screen time shame.

Despite the many headlines declaring that pandemic children have more screen time than ever and the apparent understanding that adults with full-time jobs simply cannot also provide full-time entertainment and stimulation, there is more than enough shame to go around. Shame is a complex and painful emotion that thrives unspoken, in secrecy and darkness. Shame says that if we break the codes of good parenthood, we are bad and do not deserve love or connection.

When I first released my tight hold around screen time, I didn’t know who to tell. It was a major change in our family culture, but would anyone understand? Or would they simply judge me as a lax permissive parent, taking the easy road by slapping my children in front of screens so I can scroll Instagram in peace?

Who will witness the miracle that was unfolding in our household as I released my hold over this elusive anchor of “good parenthood”? As I stopped trying to control my children’s passions and instead welcomed in their favorite activity and greatest delight? 

Who would celebrate with me? I no longer battled with my children every day. Instead I was learning to show up for them no matter what they chose, no matter how socially acceptable or unacceptable it might be. One of the greatest joys of my life was unfolding right before my eyes, the chance to partner with my children in creating a good life of their choosing for their flourishing. 

Letting go of screen time was just the beginning of the transformation. Releasing screen time limits was challenging because it was so steeped in shame. It felt like a leaping off of a cliff. But I began to wonder: If I wasn’t controlling their screens, maybe I didn’t need to control them at all. Maybe I could trust my children wholeheartedly. Maybe I could trust them to make their own right choices for right now. And that trust flung my heart open to simply show up as an astonished witness to another rich human life. 

I’ve always felt the truest metaphor for parenting is being an orchestra conductor. My children were born playing certain instruments beautifully, with other one instruments sitting dusty on the shelf. They were born to love to play certain songs. And as their orchestra conductor, my unique role is to help them play their chosen instruments to their chosen song. 

Having been on a few more laps around the sun and made a lot more mistakes than they have, I may have some wisdom to bear. But I have never lived their life nor seen the world from their eyes. 

So I hold them with open trembling hands, humbly and reverently filled with gratitude. What a gift: I get to smell this freshly washed hair on this perfectly round head as this unique human snuggles up to me and asks me to play another game of Roblox.

Want to have a shame-free relationship with screens in your home? Get my groundbreaking mini-course: Screens Without Shame, to discover how to keep your relationship with your child or teen at the center of your approach to screens. To shed shame and fear, drop demands, meet needs, and create stability in your family culture. Click here to get the course!