New Research on Parenting PDAers: What It Really Feels Like—and Why Low Demand Parenting Is the Path Forward

I still remember the moment I realized I wasn’t just parenting differently. I was parenting in complete survival mode. Every decision I made revolved around avoiding the next meltdown, softening the next refusal, making it through the next meal, the next transition, the next impossible task that should have been easy but wasn’t. I wasn’t just parenting a neurodivergent child—I was parenting a child with a PDA profile, and it was changing everything about how I moved through the world.

And now, new research validates what so many of us have been saying for years: Parenting a PDA child is different from parenting other neurodivergent kids. The demands are relentless, the traditional strategies fail spectacularly, and the emotional toll is staggering. 

The study by Sam Curtis and Dr. Elizabeth Izett, “The experience of mothers of autistic children with a pathological demand avoidance profile: an interpretative phenomenological analysis,” finally puts into words what so many of us have lived.

If you’ve ever felt completely alone in the chaos of parenting a PDAer, if you’ve ever questioned whether you’re making it all up, or if you’ve been dismissed by professionals who just don’t get it—this research is for you. It confirms that our experiences are real, our exhaustion is valid, and our shift toward low demand parenting isn’t optional—it’s essential for survival.

What Is PDA, Really?

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a neurodivergent profile with a variety of proposed origins (and too little wide-spread research to make definitive claims yet). Some say it is a profile of autism, as was theorized in the early 2000s work in the United Kingdom that originally led to the identification of the profile. Other studies have shown a closer relationship to ADHD. 

I appreciate the definition from Rabbi Shoshana Meira Friedman, who created the concept of the PDA Safe Circle. 

“PDAers have highly reactive autonomic threat responses with certain triggers. While everyone gets triggered or "activated" sometimes, PDAers' nervous systems sense danger when faced with a lack of autonomy, control, social equality/status, or a loss of co-regulation source in daily life. This threat response is disabling, which means that unless we receive accommodations the threat response limits our ability to function and thrive. The PDAer may express the threat response in the moment, hold the threat response inside of them until it is safe to let it out, or they may accumulate a feeling of threat inside their bodies for years, unaware of why they are struggling.”

PDA demand avoidance isn’t about being stubborn or oppositional. It’s not a simple trauma response (though it absolutely looks like one, and many PDAers do have real traumas). It isn’t willful or deliberate or naughty. It’s a physiological, nervous-system-driven response to the perceived loss of autonomy and lack of safety.

An Impactful New Study on PDA

This January 2025 study, The Experience of Mothers of Autistic Children with a Pathological Demand Avoidance Profile: An Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis, was conducted by researchers at Edith Cowan University in Perth, Western Australia. The researchers used in-depth qualitative interviews with mothers of PDA children gathered from the "PDA Perth W.A. Parent Community Support Group" run by Heidi Brandis, analyzing their lived experiences through interpretative phenomenological analysis (IPA)—a method that prioritizes personal meaning and emotional depth. The findings were published in Discover Mental Health, adding to the growing body of evidence that PDA presents unique parenting challenges that require tailored approaches.

Parenting PDAers: A Unique and Crushing Load

This study confirms what many of us have felt but haven’t had the words to articulate: parenting a PDA child is fundamentally different from other parenting experiences, even within the neurodivergent community.

The themes that emerged from the research are deeply validating:

The lack of research and understanding deeply impacts us. 

The study found that the limited understanding of PDA had a visceral, practical, very real impact on the lived reality of the parents. Because PDA is little understood, parents received less understanding and support. Because PDA distress behaviors are so often stigmatized and shamed, parents were blamed for their children's suffering due to the lack of support. And because PDAers struggle more with traditional parenting techniques, the support they did receive was unhelpful at best.  

“We don't have other support, … we're the only ones, and you can't reach out more cos other people don't know how to manage them.” (Cheryl).

“Some of these behaviours that (PDA child) had, you know, when he's distressed and… spitting and throwing… he was just a really distressed little human. And so at school, unfortunately, this became met with aggression. And by a staff member, who assaulted (PDA child) on three separate occasions.” (Lisa).

We're Walking on Eggshells Every. Single. Day.

If you’ve ever felt like your home was a minefield of invisible triggers, you are not alone. In fact, this is a defining feature of parenting PDAers. 

“I have anxiety, constant anxiety, like this anticipatory anxiety. Like, I wake in the morning ready for, you know, not knowing what's going to happen and what direction the day's gonna take with her and what she needs of me.” (Janet).

One misstep, one unexpected shift, and the entire day can unravel. And what works one day? Doesn’t work the next. One day, a request, such as “It’s time to get ready for bed,” is fine. The next day, the same request might send them into an emotional tailspin with dire consequences. And the worst part: No one sees just how hard we are working to do the most basic things in life.

“Yeah, a lot of the time drop off at school is like, I've run a marathon by nine o'clock in the morning.” (Debra).

For me, this was one of the hardest parts of PDA parenting to accept. In my early parenting days, I was a rules and structure parent. I wanted to be able to count on something. I needed my days to be predictable and follow a pattern. But when you parent a PDAer, consistency isn’t your best tool—it can be your downfall. The more rigid I became, the worse things got. What my children needed wasn’t more structure—it was less pressure, more flexibility, and a total reimagining of what parenting was supposed to be. They need a partner, an ally, and a coach.

Being Blamed—By Everyone

The study highlights how parents (specifically mothers, in the study) of PDA children often feel judged, blamed, and isolated. Professionals don’t understand, family members are critical, and even strangers in the grocery store have endless opinions on your parenting methods. All PDA families have heard the same blame, shame, and criticism, countless times:

“If you just set firmer boundaries…”

“They need more discipline…”

“You’re too soft. Too permissive. Too indulgent.”

I can entirely relate. Every time I sought support, I ran into a wall of misunderstanding. Teachers said my children were “fine” at school (until they weren’t). Therapists suggested sticker charts, time outs, and rewards and punishment, compliance-based strategies that made things (much) worse. Lovely, well-meaning friends would give advice and suggestions that didn’t apply to my children at all.

Parents in the study described the same thing: feeling gaslit, dismissed, and abandoned. And on top of all of that, they are exhausted:

“So, every time consults with psychs or with the behaviour support, whatever, it's all information for me to download and take on and to implement and then redistribute … I find that exhausting and I don't actually have capacity to do that myself and half the time … It's kind of in one ear and out the other because I actually, I don't have the mental capacity.” (Lisa).

For me, finding low demand parenting wasn’t just a relief—it was a rescue rope. Finally, a framework that made things easier, instead of always piling things on. Lowering demands fit my child, honored our reality, and took the shame out of the equation. It addressed my own fracturing mental health and always brought stability to our child and our family.

Feeling Like You Are a Bad Parent

Every PDA parent I've ever met harbors a secret fear, in some part of themselves, that they are actually doing this all wrong. That everyone else has it figured out, that everyone else likes their child more, that everyone else is somehow "doing it" -- and we alone are disintegrating under the weight of it all.

This study beautifully draws out these often-shamed emotional experiences that deserve to be compassionately seen and witnessed.

The study participant "Cheryl" stated is plainly, something many, many of us have thought, felt and feared: 

Parenting a PDAer can be really difficult, and so naturally, there are parts of parents that rise up in protectiveness, parts that wish for a different life. This can manifest as resentment, shame, and blaming the child. 

“I didn't want to admit that (resentment), but I knew inside, and I still feel that from time to time, and that's a horrible, horrible, horrible thing to feel about your child.” (Janet).

All of this shame and emotional labor takes a severe toll on our bodies as well: “My body's attacking itself, because I'm not getting enough rest.” (Cheryl). We end up working impossibly hard, feeling like a failure, and wishing for anywhere to turn to relieve the suffering. 

Low Demand Parenting: The Way Forward

The research doesn’t just highlight the struggle—it also confirms what so many of us have found in practice: traditional parenting approaches don’t work for PDA kids. What does work?

✔ Prioritizing trust and connection over compliance.

✔ Reducing demands instead of increasing pressure.

✔ Creating an environment where autonomy is honored.

For me, this shift didn’t come easily. Letting go of expectations felt like giving up at first. But the more I learned to drop demands with confidence, the more my child trusted me. The battles softened. The explosions became fewer. And, eventually, my child felt safe enough to re-engage with the world.

Parents in the study echoed the difficulty of the traditional path:

“It's hard to let go of the control to your child, you know, when you so badly want to be the parent and to have this ideal way of kind of, you know, parenting and doing things and hopefully guiding them and teaching them in life. But the more that you try and guide and teach the more it sets them off.” (Janet).

They also expressed the personal toll that it takes to be someone else's safe place, to rebuild the trust that can so easily be broken by more controlling oriented parenting technqiues:

 “I'm his safe place. So I see the best and I see the worst…I'm the one he wants to cuddle when he's upset. But then I'm also the one that he'll shout at and say he hates when he's feeling really dysregulated.” (Simone).

When they were able to drop demands and create the kind of low-demand environment they knew their children needed, parents saw glimmers of their child coming back to them:

“Over the summer holidays when he hasn't been in school, and we've been able to sort of be very low demand … you could see him again, you know, he's in there still. He's not just this ball of angry anxiety all the time”. (Sharon).

 The study authors also highlight the potential effectiveness of Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS), the method long-championed by Dr. Ross Greene to build trusting, collaborative relationships of mutual respect among parents and children. Though all methods for providing supportive and adaptive care to PDA children and adults need further study, the authors specifically call CPS "a promising model of care." I am personally deeply grateful to the legacy of CPS. Low demand parenting, as I teach and practice it, only became a full-fledged model to me after learning and growing in the CPS model, specifically the practice of what Dr. Greene calls "Plan C," where the adult proactively adjusts their mis-aligned adult expectations to reduce the load on the child to focus on areas that matter more. Plan C was a revelation for our family, and we would not be the low demand family we've become without that essential insight.

Why This Research Matters

For too long, parents of PDAers have been isolated, dismissed, and made to feel like failures. This study validates our reality:

✔ Parenting PDAers is uniquely difficult.

✔ Traditional parenting advice doesn’t work.

✔ We deeply need more recognition, research, and support.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone

This study isn’t just about data. It’s about our lives, our struggles, and our daily reality as PDA parents. It’s about knowing that when everything feels impossible, you’re not the only one.

The authors clearly noted the impact of isolation and loneliness on parents, and named that the most important step that parents took to mitigate this crushing isolation was seeking out supportive and understanding spaces. "Parenting a PDA child was reported to be a demanding and isolating experience...What appeared to buffer against feelings of isolation was the communal support from other parents of PDA children. There was an implicit understanding amongst parents with a shared experience, which helps parents to feel validated and connected."

If you want to dive deeper into how to use low demand parenting to support your PDA child, I’ve written an entire book on it. Or if you are experiencing crushing loneliness and want community as you learn this life-giving practice, perhaps you might join my next Masterclass community—because no one should have to navigate this alone.

This is hard. So so hard.

But you are not making it up, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Citations:

• PDA Perth W.A. Parent Community Support, run by Heidi Brandis, http://www.facebook.com/groups/pdaperthwaparentcommunitysupportgroup
• Curtis S, Izett E. The experience of mothers of autistic children with a pathological demand avoidance profile: an interpretative phenomenological analysis. Discov Ment Health. 2025 Jan 20;5(1):5. doi: 10.1007/s44192-025-00127-3. PMID: 39833592; PMCID: PMC11747059. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11747059/ 
• “What Is PDA?” by Rabbi Shoshana Meira Friedman, https://www.pdasafecircle.com/whatispda 

• Greene R. The Explosive Child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, “chronically inflexible” children. Harper Collins Publishers. 1998.