The Impact of Ableism: Understanding and Addressing Bias with Low Demand Parenting

Ableism, the discrimination against people with disabilities or those perceived to have disabilities, is a pervasive force that subtly and overtly shapes societal attitudes and behaviors. It is the belief that certain kinds of bodies or minds are inherently superior to others. This bias not only marginalizes those who don’t fit a narrow definition of 'normal' but also challenges the fundamental principles of empathy, diversity, and inclusion.

In our parenting journeys, ableism takes on a particularly insidious role by often dictating what we expect from our children, how we interpret their behaviors, and how we respond to their needs. Low demand parenting is about moving away from these traditional expectations and toward a more nuanced understanding and supportive approach that values the child’s perspective and individual needs.

Understanding Ableism in Everyday Parenting Contexts

Ableism manifests in many subtle ways that can be hard to detect unless we are actively looking for them. It might be in the assumption that a child should be able to sit still for a lesson because that’s what is 'normally expected' in a classroom setting. Or it might appear in the form of praise that inadvertently values certain abilities over others, like celebrating a child’s academic achievements while overlooking their emotional intelligence or creative talents.

These societal biases significantly influence how we set expectations for children and teens, often leading to unrealistic or harmful demands on those who are neurodivergent or disabled. In low demand parenting, recognizing and challenging these ableist norms is crucial. Why do we consider certain behaviors or abilities as benchmarks for 'normal' development? Why do we fixate on our kids’ ability to obey, behave, and conform? How do these ableist, universal standards affect our children's self-esteem and emotional well-being? What would it look like for us to confront the vast harm that these ableist norms do to us, as parents, and to our children, as they seek to discover their worth in a world that demeans them?

Confronting Ableism with Low Demand Parenting

Low demand parenting is fundamentally about understanding and meeting the actual needs of children, rather than forcing them to conform to pre-set expectations. This approach is particularly effective in dismantling ableist attitudes because it focuses on the child as they are, not as we think they 'should' be. It trusts their innate capacities as being inherently worthy, rather than pushing them to meet universal academic standards or developmental milestones or age-based expectations, which are inherently impacted by our ableist world.

• Radical Acceptance: Radical acceptance is about accepting your child wholly, recognizing their unique needs and strengths without comparing them to others. It’s about affirming that your child does not need to be fixed because they are not broken—echoing the powerful message from advocates within the neurodiversity movement.
• Individualized Approach: Every child's needs are unique, and their way of interacting with the world can vary significantly from day to day. Low demand parenting encourages parents to remain attuned to these shifting needs and respond flexibly—creating a supportive environment that respects the child’s pace and manner of growth.
• Deconstructing ‘Normal’: By actively rejecting the notion of a single 'normal' way to develop, think, or behave, low demand parenting challenges the very foundation of ableism. This shift not only supports neurodivergent children but also enriches the parenting experience by embracing a broader spectrum of human diversity. Ultimately, ableism exists to the determent of us all. 

Practical Steps to Combat Ableism

1. Educate Yourself and Others: Awareness is the first step in combating ableism. We don’t know what we don’t know. The concept of ableism may be new to many in your family or support network, or to you! As you learn about the experiences of disabled and neurodivergent people, share this knowledge to foster a more just and inclusive community.
2. Reflect on Your Behaviors: Regularly reflect on your own attitudes and behaviors. Recognize when ableist assumptions influence your parenting and actively work to adjust your perspectives and actions.
3. Advocate for Inclusive Practices: Whether it’s in our homes, schools, healthcare, or community spaces, advocate for practices that proactively accommodate diverse needs by changing systemic realities and educate people who are perpetuating a false concept of standardization.
4. Support Neurodiversity Movements: Engage with and support groups and organizations that promote neurodiversity and disability rights. These platforms often provide valuable resources and community support that can enhance your understanding and advocacy efforts.

By addressing ableism directly and embedding the principles of low demand parenting into our daily routines, we not only advocate for our children but also participate in a larger movement towards a more equitable society. This journey requires patience, education, and a commitment to change—both in the world around us and within ourselves. Let’s embrace this challenge together, creating a future where every person is valued for their unique contributions to our shared human experience.