The Fake Drop: Why You Feel Like Shit About Low Demand

It had been two months since my husband and I decided to drop screen time limits. After months of battles over devices, endless negotiations, and meltdowns when the timer went off, we were done. We announced that there would be no more schedules, no more limits, and no more strict monitoring of how much screen time our kids had.

At first, it felt like a relief. The tension lifted, and the kids were happy. But something still felt off. I found myself tracking how much time they spent off screens and celebrating whenever they played outside. I encouraged them to get off their devices “just for a little while” or subtly offered activities to replace gaming. I felt a pang of disappointment every time I saw them engrossed in a show or video game. I scoured Pinterest for creative non-screen ideas, and I Googled articles on “healthy screen alternatives” late at night.

Even though we had dropped the demand, I was stuck in a cycle of guilt and shame. I felt like a bad parent, like I was failing at this whole low demand thing. And because I wasn’t at peace, the kids could feel it too. They sensed the hesitation, the sadness, the subtle pushback—even though I wasn’t saying it out loud.

This is what we call a fake drop. It’s one of the most common challenges in low demand parenting, and recognizing it is key to finding true peace in the choices we make.

What Is a Fake Drop?

A fake drop happens when we let go of a demand on the surface but still hold onto the emotional weight or expectation underneath. You might say, “We’re done fighting over homework,” but deep down, you’re still tracking their progress, worrying about whether they’ll fall behind, and silently hoping they’ll pick up the pencil and get to work, all on their own.

Fake drops aren’t just about the task—they’re about the internal tension we carry as parents. And that tension can manifest in so many ways:

• Feeling sad, defeated, or like a failure.
• Lying to friends or family about your child’s behaviors because you feel ashamed of the demand you’ve dropped.
• Googling solutions or buying “get them off screens” activities to try and sneak the demand back in.
• Expecting the kid to do what you want, and feeling disappointed, angry, or hopeless when they don’t.
• Giving subtle or not-so-subtle encouragement to do the task anyway.

Here’s the hard truth: The person who suffers the most from a fake drop is us, the parents. The guilt weighs on us, and the shame eats away at our confidence. But our kids suffer too. They pick up on our uncertain, flip-flopping energy. They sense that we don’t feel good about the drop, and they might even internalize that shame.

Why Fake Drops Happen

Fake drops happen because letting go of a demand isn’t just about the task—it’s about what that task represents. As parents, we‘ve been handed a lot of very strong beliefs about what it means to be a “good parent” and what kids need to succeed. When we try to let go of a demand, those internalized beliefs don’t just disappear. They linger, whispering things like:

If I let this go, am I being too permissive?

What if they never learn this skill?

What will other parents think if they find out my kid isn’t doing this?

Fake drops happen because the demand isn’t just about the task—it’s tied to our deeper fears, expectations, and unmet needs. These fears don’t disappear when we drop the demand. They linger, and they make us doubt our choices. That doubt is what leads to the fake drop, where we say we’re letting go but still feel trapped by the weight of the expectation.

The Layer Cake of Demands

Think of a demand as the top layer of a cake. On the surface, it’s something simple, like hang up your backpack, do your homework, or take your medicine. But underneath that layer are hidden expectations, fears, and emotions that give the demand its weight:

1. Surface layer: The task or expectation (e.g., “Do your homework.”)
2. Middle layer: The expectation or belief (e.g., “Homework is important for success in school.”)
3. Bottom layer: The deeper need or fear (e.g., “If my child falls behind, they might struggle in life, and I’ll feel like I failed them.”)

Fake drops happen when we remove the surface layer without addressing the layers underneath. We might say, “You don’t have to do your homework,” but if we’re still holding onto the fear of failure, that pressure will seep back into our interactions.

A Tool to Root Out Fake Drops: Reframing the Gift of Letting Go

One of the most powerful tools for turning a fake drop into a real drop is to shift your focus. Instead of thinking about what you’re losing by letting go, focus on what you’re giving your child. Dropping a demand isn’t about “letting them off the hook”—it’s about creating space for connection, trust, and growth.

When I stopped fighting my kids over screen time and instead embraced their love for video games, I realized I was giving them something important: the message that they didn’t have to change who they were to make me happy. By showing up with genuine excitement and acceptance of their gaming passions, I communicated that their interests and joys were valid. I taught them that I cared more about their happiness than about what other people thought of me as a parent.

And the result? My kids talk to me constantly—about the newest Fortnite updates and Valorant strategies, sure, but also about their quirky hobbies, their insecurities, their big dreams, and their fears. That connection didn’t happen because I limited screens. It happened because I let go of the judgment and fully embraced who they are.

How to Reframe Your Own Fake Drops

1.   Identify the Deeper Value You’re Honoring

Ask yourself: What am I teaching my child by dropping this demand? Maybe it’s teaching them self-trust, showing them unconditional love, or giving them the freedom to explore their passions without judgment.

2.   Create Your Own Definition of Success

It’s easy to focus on the “good” things that would happen if they did the task (good grades, healthy teeth, less screen time). But what if success looked different? What if success meant a strong parent-child bond or a kid who knows they’re accepted exactly as they are?

3.   Remind Yourself of the Gift

When doubt creeps in, come back to the gift you’re giving. Write it down if you need to. For me, it’s knowing that my kids feel safe enough to tell me anything because they trust that I won’t shame them for who they are. That’s a gift I wouldn’t trade for any perfectly executed morning routine.

Final Thoughts: From Fake Drop to Real Drop

When I finally stopped tracking screen time, stopped googling solutions, and stopped carrying the emotional weight of my fears, something shifted. I wasn’t just letting go of the demand—I was letting go of the shame that came with it. And my kids felt the difference.

A real drop isn’t about giving up or being lazy. It’s about creating space for connection, trust, and growth. It’s about seeing the good that comes from letting go and leaning into that goodness, even when it feels counterintuitive. It’s about believing in myself and believing in my kids, that we can step off the standard path and explore all the beautiful possibilities that emerge on the adventure. 

You’re not failing when you experience a fake drop—you’re learning. And every time you take a step toward a real drop, you’re giving your child the most important gift of all: the knowledge that they’re loved exactly as they are.