Knowing What Matters Most: The Key to Dropping Demands with Confidence

It was supposed to be a quick bedtime routine. Take the medicine, brush teeth, story, lights out. But instead, it had turned into another exhausting battle.

The dad stood at the kitchen counter, gripping the bottle of medicine. His 10-year-old autistic daughter stood across from him, arms crossed, refusing to take it. “You always do this,” he said, exasperated. “We agreed on apple juice yesterday, so why are you asking for chocolate milk tonight?”

“I don’t want apple juice!” she shouted, stomping her feet and throwing the empty cup onto the floor.

He felt his chest tighten. She can’t keep changing it every night. She needs to learn that she can’t always get her way.

But then, something clicked. He backed up and asked himself the question at the core of the Drop or Not tool: Does this actually matter right now?

The answer hit him like a wave. What really matters is that she takes the medicine. Not what she mixes it with. He had been holding onto the idea that being the boss and teaching her a lesson mattered more than the goal of keeping her healthy.

That night, he let go of the battle over the drink and gave her the chocolate milk. No power struggle. No meltdown. Just a peaceful bedtime, and his daughter safely taking her medicine.

The Trap of “Everything Matters”

For many parents, especially those coming from high-expectations or high-demand approaches, the idea that “everything matters” feels ingrained. You’re told that consistency is king, that every small decision sets the tone for the future, and that if you let one thing slide, your child will lose trust in you—or worse, they’ll grow up to be entitled, lazy, or disrespectful.

But here’s the truth: Everything doesn’t matter. And believing that it does is the enemy of peace and connection. When we act as if every moment is a teaching opportunity, we unintentionally create stress—for ourselves and our kids. We start prioritizing power, control, and being right over the things that actually matter most: safety, trust, and connection.

What Actually Matters

One of the first questions in the Drop or Not tool is this: Is this what matters most right now? If the answer is no, it’s a good sign that the demand can be dropped or adjusted.

Here’s a simple guide to help you sort through what truly matters and what doesn’t:

What Matters:

• Health: Ensuring that basic physical and mental well-being is supported.
• Safety: Protecting your child and the family from harm.
• Trust: Building a foundation where your child knows they can count on you to be a safe, supportive presence.
• Connection: Focusing on the relationship and emotional bond.
• Joy: Prioritizing happiness, fun, and shared positive experiences.
• Thriving: Supporting your child’s long-term growth and well-being.

What Doesn’t Matter:

• Teaching a “lesson”: Kids learn best through connection, not correction.
• Being the boss: Your role as a parent is to guide, not control.
• Being right: Winning the argument doesn’t create lasting growth—it creates resentment.

Aligning with What Truly Matters

Part of the work of figuring out what matters (and what doesn’t!) involves shedding the external expectations of what a “good parent” is supposed to do and instead tuning in to your own values.

It’s easy to get swept up in the noise: what experts say, what other parents are doing, what your childhood experience taught you about discipline and respect. But to successfully drop demands, you need to be able to ask yourself: What do I care about? What do I want this season of life to be about?

Here’s a simple exercise to help you practice this:

1. Write down a recent parenting moment that felt hard. (e.g., “My child refused to do their homework, and we got into a huge argument.”)
2. List the underlying reasons why it felt hard. (e.g., “I was worried they’d fall behind in school. I felt embarrassed that I couldn’t get them to comply.”)
3. Ask yourself: Does this align with what I truly value? (e.g., “I value their emotional safety and trust more than a perfect homework record.”)
4. Reframe the situation through the lens of your core values. (e.g., “My goal is to support them in developing a love of learning, not to force compliance through power struggles. I can show them that I care about their long-term growth by offering help when they’re ready.”)

When you name what matters most, you create a guiding light for your parenting decisions. It becomes easier to let go of battles that aren’t serving you, your kid or teen, or your family.

The Medicine Battle: What Changed for the Dad

When the dad in the story reframed the nightly medicine battle, he realized that the core value at stake wasn’t control or consistency—it was health and stability for his family. By shifting his focus, he could let go of the power struggle and lean into what truly mattered.

Here’s what didn’t happen: his daughter didn’t become entitled or spoiled. She didn’t lose trust in him because he “gave in.” Instead, the nightly routine became smoother, their connection grew stronger, and the medicine got taken without a fight.

When Letting Go Feels Hard: Self-Compassion as a Tool

Even when we know what matters, letting go of the things that don’t can be challenging. There’s often a voice in the back of our heads saying, You’re being lazy. You’re not doing enough. What if this ruins everything?

This is where self-compassion comes in. The fear you’re feeling is a natural part of breaking free from high-demand, high-control parenting patterns that most of us were raised with. You’re not failing—you’re evolving. And just like your child needs time and space (and a big dose of courage and support) to grow, so do you.

Every time you let go of a power struggle, you’re practicing a new kind of leadership: one based on love, trust, and alignment with your values. You’re showing your child that they don’t need to be perfect to be loved and that you don’t need to be perfect to be a good parent.

Final Thoughts: Letting Go and Leaning In

Knowing what matters most isn’t about creating a rigid list of rules—it’s about tuning in to the heart of what you want for your family. Some days, that might mean letting go of the homework battle or fixing chocolate milk with the medicine. Other days, it might mean using your energy to collaborate on something important, like a medical appointment or bedtime routine.

The difference is that when you know what truly matters, you can make those decisions with confidence and peace. No more second-guessing or fake drops. No more guilt or shame. Just a steady, compassionate presence, guiding your family toward connection and growth.

Let go of what doesn’t matter. Lean into what does. You’ve got this.