Kids Want Us To Listen

Originally publish Apr. 18th, 2023. Written by Amanda Diekman.

For many years, I thought I listened to my children. I would stop and make eye contact when they talked to me. I heard their words and processed them in my mind. I responded actively to their words.

But still they yelled at me, "You're not listening to me!"

And they were right.

I thought I was listening because I heard the words they spoke. But listening to someone, truly hearing them, means more than that. True listening requires respect for the speaker and for their worldview. True listening says that these words will carry weight with me. True listening says that I will be willing to change my mind, reformulate my ideas, and create a new path forward based on what I have heard.

So often, adults get caught up thinking that they know better. That everything they hear from a child needs to be translated.

"They said, 'Go away! Leave me alone!' but I don't want to leave them alone when they are struggling, so I stayed in the room, even though they kept screaming at me to go."

What if we respected children enough to believe that their words are true for them? What if we honored children's experiences as being of equal value to our own? What if we believed that children know enough to effectively self-advocate?

The difficulty comes because children do not communicate in adult-preferred ways. Adults like calm, quiet, back-and-forth conversation at an adult-chosen time and place. We want to ask the questions and have them answered. We like to keep control over the conversation, the topics, and the tone. If we want to hear from our children, we need to learn to listen in the way that they are able to share.

Your child may yell their truth, or bring it up at unexpected times. They may tell you with their behaviors that something isn't working, that they are suffering, that they need something different. They may refuse to go. Or scream the whole way. They may fight back. They may use four-letter words. They may ignore you. They may crawl into your bed at night, cry when you have to be separated, or cling to your leg. They may sit silently in their room with the door locked, or prefer to text you rather than sit down and talk.

No matter how they tell us, kids want us to listen.

They want our respect, our soft-hearted openness to see the world through their eyes.

Kids want to share their reality in a way that brings us closer together. They want us to meet them in their honesty and to change based on what we hear.

What is your child telling you that you are having a hard time hearing?

Where are they self-advocating, and you are refusing to listen?