How to Repair in PDA Sibling Relationships

Sibling dynamics are never simple, but when one or more of your children has Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), those dynamics can become extremely complex. The drive for autonomy and hypersensitivity to perceived threats that define PDA make it challenging for our kids to navigate relationships, and sibling interactions are often where the most intense struggles emerge.

PDA and Sibling Dynamics: Why It's So Tough

Having one PDA child in the family can create significant tension. Siblings without PDA often find themselves bending and accommodating, creating an imbalance that can lead to frustration or resentment. A child without PDA may not fully understand why their sibling needs so many exceptions and accommodations, especially when it feels like they are carrying an extra load.

For families with multiple PDAers, sibling interactions can become even more charged. When no one is willing or able to bend, you get power struggles, emotional dysregulation, and conflict that can feel never-ending. Each child is fighting to maintain autonomy and control, and the result is often a clash of wills that can be incredibly tough to manage.

Even in families with an only child PDAer, sibling-like dynamics may still emerge. Without a sibling to provide co-regulation, the parent often becomes the primary target for leveling behaviors. This can lead to a whole different set of challenges, as parents take on the dual role of sibling and regulator, which can be both draining and destabilizing.

When Conflict Feels Unmanageable

Many parents of PDA children find themselves in situations where sibling conflict feels almost unmanageable. There may be days when your kids are constantly at each other’s throats, with arguments, name-calling, and even physical aggression becoming regular occurrences. 

In these moments, it’s important to remember that there is no “perfect” solution. When the balance tips too far into chaos, it’s okay to take a step back and find ways to keep everyone as safe as possible. Many of us have had to separate our children for hours, days, or even longer to give everyone some much-needed space. It’s not a failure—it’s a strategy for keeping the peace and protecting your family’s well-being.

Letting Go of Perfection

One of the most freeing realizations as a parent of a PDA child is letting go of the idea that sibling harmony is something you can achieve 100% of the time. In reality, sibling conflict is a natural part of family life, especially in households with PDA. We don’t need to strive for perfection. Instead, we need to focus on navigating the conflicts that arise with compassion and finding ways to repair the damage when things inevitably break down.

As a parent, you may find yourself trying to be proactive, constantly seeking ways to prevent conflict before it happens. While it’s important to create a safe and supportive environment, you’re not always going to be able to foresee every meltdown or prevent every argument. What matters more is how you help your children through the conflict once it arises. This is where rupture and repair come in.

Rupture and Repair: A Practical Guide

Sibling relationships are a primary space where our children learn about rupture and repair. Conflict is inevitable—what matters most is how we model and guide them through the process of making things right. This skill will serve them not just in childhood but throughout their lives.

Here’s how I approach rupture and repair in sibling dynamics:

1. Give Time for Nervous Systems to Return to Stability  

   Before any repair work can happen, everyone needs to be calm. You cannot create meaningful repair when kids are still flooded with emotion or caught in a shame-spiral. Take as long as you need for everyone to settle before addressing the conflict.

2. Own Your Part in the Rupture  

   As the parent, I start by owning my role if applicable. For example, if I was supposed to be keeping track of turn-taking but got distracted, I own that I wasn’t available to help the transition go smoothly. Modeling accountability is key.

3. Check In with the Child Who Was Hurt  

   Once everyone is calm, I start with the child who was harmed. I offer empathy and ask, “What would it feel like for your sibling to make it right with you? What would you want to see or hear or know?” This gives them a chance to express their needs and feel heard.

4. Support the Child Who Caused Harm  

   Next, I turn to the child who caused the harm and say something like, “You got dysregulated and hurt someone you love, and that sucks. I hate hurting the people I care about. Your sibling still loves you and wants to do some healing. Is there something you’d like to do or say to show your love?” This opens the door for them to begin the repair process at their own pace.

5. Facilitate Repair  

   I take on the role of facilitator, helping both children move through the repair process in a way that feels authentic to them. Sometimes it’s as simple as an apology; other times, it may involve coming up with solutions together for how to handle similar situations in the future.

6. Revisit the Underlying Issue Later  

   Once the immediate repair is done, you can revisit the issue at a later time when everyone is ready. For example, if the conflict was over sharing a toy or video game console, you can work on problem-solving ways to make that transition easier next time. It’s important to give the situation space to breathe before diving into problem-solving.

Takeaway

Navigating sibling relationships with PDA in the mix is never easy. You’re constantly walking a fine line between giving each child the space they need while trying to keep the peace in the household. By focusing on rupture and repair, you’re teaching your children lifelong skills for managing conflict with compassion and accountability. Remember that it’s not about preventing every argument, but about guiding your kids through the process of making things right when conflict happens.