How to Drop Screentime Demands With Your Kids

Let’s say you are ready to move away from strict screen time structures. You don’t want any more battles over shows or games. You are ready to trust your kids and embark on a new way together.

What do you do next?

There was a time, not too long ago, when I only allowed my kids to use a tablet for 30 minutes in the morning and to choose one show each in the afternoon. I held onto this structure through months of the pandemic. I watched them run from a fun game with friends in the yard to our living room screaming “show time! show time!” because it was that allotted time in our day. It was precious and rare and prized above all else.

I was begged and bargained with and fought with endlessly over these limits. Any time the house got quiet, I had a strong hunch that kids had stollen my phone or my iPad and were huddled up in a dark place, enjoying a few extra elicit moments of screen time pleasure. 

Then I had to decide what to do about it. Did I let it go and enjoy those quiet moments myself? Did this transgression require some sort of punishment or lecture? How could I teach them that it’s not ok to break my rules?

It wasn’t until my 6 year old experienced a massive burnout, rendering him silent, angry, reclusive, and explosive, only able to watch hours of YouTube alone in this room, that I was faced with a big decision. How would I view these hours in front of his screen? What lens would I use for viewing this reality? 

Were these endless screen time hours a sign of his downward cycle and my failure as a parent, an addictive evil that was taking him further and further from the vibrant kid he used to be? 

Or was this his only remaining choice, a final stand for his own thriving, a decision to hold onto connection and community, in the only way he was able?

I decided to release my old lens and welcome in the goodness of screen time connection. I decide to drop the limits and embrace this growing passion. It’s been two years since I made that choice, and while I can’t say “I’ve never looked back” because that would be a baldfaced lie, I can say it was absolutely the right choice and a transformative one in our family. 

Here are 6 steps you can start today to make the move from screen time boundaries to a screen accepting family:

1. FACE OUR SOCIETAL FEAR AND YOUR OWN INTERNALIZED SHAME AROUND KIDS AND SCREENS.

As a society, we have made major leaps with technology in a short period of time, which has led to a collective angst. Social scientists observe that with rapid changes in societal structures, communities offset this major transition by creating certain archetypical figures to absorb our uncertainty and our fears. A shared “boogeyman.” 

Children’s screen time is just that archetypical focus for our fears. 

To offset our own concerns with broad rapid societal changes in technology, we have collectively latched onto the impact of screens on children. This is not a new or novel process. It repeats in every generation. Playing card games, watching cartoons—these things seem fairly innocuous now, but they were intensely loaded, explosive topics for parents in their time. 

So you are not alone in being concerned with screen time, nor are you making this up. You have been fed this fear, and it has been intensely reinforced. This context makes it very hard to practice honest introspection and creative out-of-the-box thinking. So if this is particularly hard for you, it makes sense. 

When I first released my tight hold around screen time, I didn’t know who to tell. It was a major change in our family culture, but would anyone understand? Or would they simply judge me as a lax, permissive parent, taking the easy road by slapping my children in front of screens so I could scroll Instagram in peace?

I felt I couldn’t share this transformation with my friends, family, and the world because of shame. Screen time decisions are deeply entrenched in shame. Many parents hide their children’s screen time and shame themselves for their decisions, regardless of what they are. In light of the intense collective fear surrounding screens, this shame makes sense.

To embrace something our culture has decided is the ultimate evil…how can that decision be celebrated? And yet it can! We must name this shaming if we are to be free to make wise choices. 

Instead, we are going to act as though screens are morally neutral. 

We are going to set aside the wider culture’s conviction that screens for children is something loaded and intense, of ultimate importance, the ultimate evil. Instead, we are going to treat it like any other decision, where there is not one “right answer” but rather there is a process to land at the right decision for your family, for this moment in time.

2. EXPLORE YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP TO SCREENS & THE RANGE OF MEDIA INCLUDED WITHIN THE “SCREEN TIME” BANNER.

When we are convinced that screens are bad for our children, we probably also harbor some uncertain beliefs about our own screen usage. Is there a particular platform or choice that gives you a twinge of shame? Is it social media and how it makes you feel? Or binge watching particular sorts of shows? Do you love to watch sports but wish it didn’t take up so much of your time?

Shame cannot stand being looked at directly and especially being spoken aloud. Is there someone you can turn to as you process this choice to talk about your own relationship to screens? As I released screen time boundaries, I also took a step to remove certain apps from my phone and did a dramatic cull on my social media to only include people who made me feel good and supported. When I had a healthier relationship to screens, it was easier to support my children in finding their own healthy relationship. I did less projecting, and more honest connecting.

Let’s make an intentional turn to explore any sources of joy, connection, and meaning that happen over screens. We treasure our weekly FaceTime calls with grandparents. I adore the ability to google and gain needed information in the moment. I am a passionate podcast listener.  I would be LOST without Google Maps. I also love to watch teenage vampire shows and read super long novels without having to hold a heavy book in bed.

Our children have an even wider range of ways to explore the world through screens than we do. Their world has always been screen-dependent, and they are growing up in a different world than the one we grew up in. Take a step back and observe the variety of apps, games, and information they access through screens. Holding the belief that the screen itself is morally neutral, can you make note of all the ways they are learning and exploring through their screens.

“Screen time” is not a monolith, nor are “video games." Checking out audio books from the library on their tablets gives my non-readers access to endless books delivered in ways they can understand. YouTubers who do read-aloud books help when mom is too busy to read at that exact moment. Voice dictation gives a feeling of independence and mastery when you can’t read. Music and having YouTube on in the background give extra stimulation when kids are building with Legos or doing a sensory bin. Taking pictures and editing videos is a joint project, bringing out opportunities for collaboration and creative expression. Calming meditation apps or fidget apps can replace fidget toys when a person is overstimulated. 

And then there’s the huge range of video games! Prodigy makes learning math fun. Teach Your Monster to Read is teaching my real-life monsters to crack the code on this wild world of English. YouTube is for vegging, Fortnite is for connecting and collaborating with online friends; Roblox is for seeing quick progress and feeling powerful; Minecraft is for slow growth and creative expression. Also for trapping mom in dungeons.

3. IDENTIFY THE LIMITS AND EXPECTATIONS YOU CURRENTLY HOLD.

Screen-time limits largely fall into several categories:

• Overall limits on amount of time (like a specific time of day, an amount of time per day)

• Limits on content (acceptable games or apps, content that kids can access on YouTube

• Expectations on how your kids will transition from technology to other events

• Expectations internal to games themselves (how your kids manage challenges in games, how you spend money, etc.)

To properly identify your limits and expectations, you need to look deeper. You need to look for all the small expectations embedded in those big ones. 

For example, you might think “stopping iPad” is a big problem, but probably your child has difficulty stopping their iPad in a large number of specific instances. Stopping watching a 15 minute YouTube video about a cool new toy coming out, when the toy is not revealed until minute 14, in order to brush teeth will be one sort of challenge. Stopping playing Minecraft to go to Occupational Therapy is another sort. 

To get to a lasting solution to the problem, without imposing these sorts of adult-controlled boundaries, you will need to think through each specific instance. You might feel like quitting right now just by me saying this, because there are so many specific instances, and it feels impossible to work through them all. I am with you. I felt like quitting too. 

Let’s breathe, and perhaps you can trust me that this will work. Many, many tools will transfer from one application to another. But by slowing down and thinking through the specifics, you will be better prepare to tackle the next problem that presents itself.

4. EXPLORE THE PLACES YOUR CHILD HAS DIFFICULTY MEETING YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

As you drop adult-imposed screen time limits, there will still be natural screen time limits that arise in your day. Some of these are not difficult for your child, and some are very hard. Part of the difficulty may be related to the screen time boundary itself. When screen time is rationed and scarce, it will automatically be harder to stop because there is fear that it will never come back again. In a culture of plenty, it becomes easier to stop and start, to transition in and out, and to trust that there will always be enough. 

However, other transitions may remain challenging. To explore those challenging places, you will get really curious about what exactly is going on. You may be accustomed to blaming the screens (or blaming yourself). We are not going to use blame anymore. We are going to look closely at what specifically is hard, and create a plan to let go of as many hard expectations as possible, so that the kid can meet the ones that are left without difficulty. 

Example:

My child has a hard time stopping Fortnite to come to dinner table.

Questions to ask about stopping:

What kind of game is he playing in Fortnite? Is it a one that lasts a certain amount of time, or is it one where you respawn over and over? Is my child working toward a goal that I don't know about (a certain quest, getting XP, finding a new place on the map)? Is my child playing with another kid on Fortnite, and do they know how to tell the other kid that they need to leave? Are they worried about being teased or blamed by that kid? 

Questions to ask about the transition:

Does my child struggle with transitions? Will the transition itself be challenging, simply the act of going from one situation to another? How can I support them in this transition? Can we slow down? Adjust the lighting? Provide a sensory tool? 

Questions to ask about the dinner table:

Is the transition to the table part of the difficulty? Is the dinner table a source of overwhelm? Are there challenges around noise, eating sounds, eating choices? Are sibling relationships or parent relationships part of the difficulty? 

In all likelihood, you do not know the answers to these questions yet. You may have guesses, but you cannot know for sure until you talk to your child. As you identify your expectation (stop playing Fortnite to come to dinner), it will reveal all sorts of unknown questions. You can observe your child and learn a lot about their difficulty by using some solid detective work. 

You can also come to them gently curious, shifting your focus away from the behavior that comes when they have trouble stopping, and toward the questions you have about what is making this hard. 

5. COMMUNICATE THIS CHANGE TO YOUR CHILDREN, OR SIMPLY STOP STOPPING THEM.

You can either address this proactively in words, or you can pull back on your “no.” If they are used to coming to you to ask if they can have screen time, you can start saying “yes” more often. If you have limits on the technology itself, you can turn them off.

If you stop stoping them, the benefit is that screen time may grow slowly and organically. Your current rhythms will likely remain largely in place, and you will simply drop the part where you step in and tell them to stop. However, they may not realize the change, and you may not get the benefit of the ease that comes from releasing this external boundary. You would not be explicitly addressing the shame they may feel around screens nor creating an explicit family culture around screens.

If you announce your decision explicitly, this gives you a chance to narrate your decision to your kids. They will likely still need to see how this plays out. They will not trust the new way until they’ve experienced it, sometimes for a long while. My kids still tested the reality of the no-screen-limits a year after I removed the limits. The memories of when I shamed and limited their screens were vibrant and lasted a long time. 

Here’s what I said: 

“Hey guys, I recently decided that limiting screen time is not the way I want to parent. I can see that this is something you love, and I want to support the things you love. So I want to try something new: What if we don’t have any limits on when you can use your screens? How would that be? (stop and listen)… 

…I do want to say that there will still be times we need to stop because we love lots of things. Stopping has sometimes been hard for us, but now we can practice stopping, and we will know we can always come back to it. I’m not going to take it away. Do you have any questions?”

6. GET CREATIVE IN TAKING CARE OF YOUR OWN NEEDS—WITHOUT ASKING YOUR CHILD TO DO ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY.

When we first dropped screen time limits, my children were so excited (and so dysregulated), that it initially looked like months of pure screen-based exploration. As already stated, video games are not my jam. I was bored (and scared), and I wanted my children to make different choices to better accommodate me and my needs. 

I almost took back the decision to remove limits many times, simply because I wasn’t satisfied with our daily life. Once I recognized this, I was able to appreciate that this was my problem and that I did not need to ask my kids to do anything differently. I could solve it on my own.

I began my search for hobbies that I could do while sitting next to a child watching a video on YouTube. I found good ear plugs that filtered out the tinny noise of the games while allowing my children’s voices to come in without any trouble. I invested in a Kindle so it would also keep my page marked and I could keep it in my pocket. I tried crochet and knitting. I experimented with drinking lots of kinds of tea. 

Eventually I discovered my old love of writing. Prayers, blog posts, and book chapters flowed from my fingertips as I sat next to my children, creating Minecraft masterpieces. I calmed my fears, accepted where my kids were and what they needed, and solved my own problem.

What needs do you have that are not being met? Is there a way you can take care of your own needs without making your children stop using their screens?