Getting Started With Low Demand Parenting: Telling Your Kids

SO YOU WANT TO GET STARTED WITH THE LOW DEMAND APPROACH?

If you're ready to jump in, the fastest and most effective way to get started is to bring your kids on board as your partners. You will begin building that new trusting relationship you long for. You need to tell your kids that you are making a change.

Let your child know that you know that in the past, you have made them do all kinds of things that were too hard. You forced them to do things. You used your power over them. (Use their language--whatever they shout at you when they're mad. Mine says "you're forcing me" and so use "forcing" as our family language because that's what resonates with my child.)

I said:

"I know I've forced you to do things in the past, and I'm not going to do that anymore. And when I do, when you feel forced, you are free to tell me---because I need to know. I can't always tell. But when you tell me you're feeling forced, I promise I will drop whatever it is. I promise I will never force you."

And then you gotta hold to that.

TRUST YOUR CHILDREN

I know it is terrifying to give up adult control like this, to knowingly let go of the ability to push your kids to do something that you know is good for them or that you know is necessary. It may feel like leaping off a cliff. But I promise that there is something to catch you -- It's trust. The trust in your children that they will do the best they can, always. That they want to please you and meet your expectations.

TRUST YOURSELF

Letting go of adult power can also feel like you're losing all the tools in your toolbox, but you can trust yourself. You have many skills as a parent beyond forcing your kids to do things. In fact, you may find that it is easier to trust yourself as a parent when you are actively trusting your children. The trusting connection builds. Yes, you may need to move slower. You may find that there have been a lot of "too hard" spots that you've been covering with adult power. But all of that was already there. You're just seeing it clearly now.

SLOWING DOWN

Part of the lifestyle change that comes with releasing adult power is that when things are hard, instead of pushing, we slow down. We listen closely. What are our child's concerns with this plan? How can we account for those concerns by either changing the plan or dropping the parts that were too hard? How flexible and creative can we be?

It's important to state that at the start, the pace could feel much slower and what you can accomplish may feel much less.

THE “TOO HARD” SPOTS

You'll also find at the beginning that the "too hard" spots become clearer to see because they are places where your child says "No!" or "You're forcing me!" or behaviorally expresses the same idea (refusing to put on seat belt to go to the grocery store, for example). At the start, when you encounter this resistance, you say, "OH! This was too hard. I see it now. Let's let it go." See if your child's demeanor changes. You are building your child's safety by teaching them that you will honor their boundaries.

IT WAS ALWAYS THERE.

Because this process makes you slow down and reveals difficult places, it can feel like "everything is falling apart," or "it's all getting worse."

Press on. You are revealing what was always there.

This is the part where you learn how to prioritize trust and connection over all else and learn that the world does not stop spinning if you drop a few things that are too much for your family. The seemingly random meltdowns you used to have will clarify and become more targeted. Your child will begin to communicate with you. This is progress.

THE TAKEAWAY

The fastest way to get started with low demand parenting is to bring your children on board with the process. Once they feel empowered and trusted, they will begin to share with words and actions what is (and has been) too hard for them. They will trust you with this incredibly valuable information, and you have the opportunity to respond by trusting them enough to drop what's too hard. This is the start, and you don't have to do it perfectly. Making a good faith effort is more than enough. After all, we all make mistakes. It's part of being human. The repair process is just as valuable as the getting-it-right process.