“But What About Consequences?”

When I first stopped using punishment, I felt like I had no idea what to do instead.

I had just walked away from time-outs, prize boxes, sticker charts, and carefully chosen “natural consequences” that were supposed to teach my children important life lessons. And I did it because none of it was working.

Actually — worse than not working, it was breaking our family.

I had kids who hit their siblings. I had kids who yelled curse words. I had kids who melted down over things I couldn’t ever predict, let alone control. And every “consequence” I tried only escalated the chaos. Time-outs turned into screaming matches. Loss of privileges turned into full-body panic attacks. Even when I was calm and consistent and followed all the parenting advice “correctly,” the outcome was always the same: more suffering.

So I stopped. Not because I was giving up, but because I knew I had to try something different.

That’s when I started building the low demand approach.

Why Consequences Backfire for So Many Kids

Most behavior-based systems are built on a core assumption: if a child experiences discomfort after doing something “bad,” they’ll stop doing it. This is straight-up operant conditioning — the foundation of most mainstream parenting strategies. If a child hits, you remove a toy. If they refuse to listen, you end the activity. If they yell at you, you walk away and tell them you won’t come back until they use a kind voice.

Here’s the problem: for kids with nervous systems on fire, consequences don’t teach. They just pour gasoline on the flames.

In my early years as a parent, I followed every rule of behavior-based parenting as faithfully as I could — even when it was excruciating. We had a therapist recommend a new family rule: “You hit, you sit,” where they would sit on our bottom step for the same number of minutes as their age. In my fantasy, this worked perfectly, and simply introducing the rule reduced the problematic behaviors. In my fantasy, my consistency, calm, and connection would bring us effortlessly into a new season of mutual respect and rule-following. So I enforced the consequences. I stayed “calm.” I held the line. Every damn time.

And it destroyed us.

The fantasy never came true, and far from it. Everything in our household got 10x worse. Because my kids weren’t testing me. They weren’t choosing misbehavior because I hadn’t been consistent enough. They were dysregulated. Terrified. Burned out. And punishing them for that wasn’t just ineffective — it was damaging to our relationship.

The Research Backs It Up

Modern neuroscience confirms what many of us have learned the hard way: you cannot teach a child who is in fight, flight, or freeze.

When a child is melting down, their prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, impulse control, and learning — goes offline. In that moment, no amount of consequences, lectures, or “teachable moments” will help. Their body is focused on survival.

Psychologist and parenting author, Mona Delahooke writes in her book Beyond Behaviors:

“A child who seems to be misbehaving is, in the process, adapting and surviving. Instead of viewing behaviors purely as difficulties we need to get rid of, it’s helpful to see them as forming an instruction manual for how to support each child’s nervous system.”

So instead of managing behaviors, we shift toward understanding and attunement. Which negates the whole purpose for introducing consequences… and rewards! Delahooke states this clearly:

“When we understand that self-regulation is built through attuned relationships, we also realize that positive behavior programs are now obsolete.”

The Fear Behind the Question

“But if there are no consequences… won’t they just keep doing it?”

This is the heart of the worry. If we stop punishing, will our kids grow up wild and selfish and out of control?

I get it. I’ve felt that panic in the pit of my stomach too. We’re told — over and over — that “kids need consequences.” That real life has consequences. That without them, children will never learn right from wrong. We’re told that kids are naturally manipulative, selfish, or lazy, and that it’s our job to discipline that out of them.

But here’s what I’ve learned — both from research and from walking this road every day:

Kids don’t need punishment to grow. They need safety to grow.

When kids feel emotionally and physically safe — when their nervous systems are settled and safe enough — that’s when they start to integrate the lessons we hope they’ll learn. That’s when their empathy develops. That’s when their insight deepens. That’s when their self-control strengthens. Not through threats and punishments, but through co-regulation, trust, and connection.

In other words:

Consequences don’t make kids better. Relationship does.

What About Accountability?

So let’s get clear on something: low demand parenting isn’t saying kids can do anything they want and we just shrug and say, “Oh well.” It isn’t some casual, laid back, hands-off approach where we ignore our kids behaviors and abdicate our adult responsibility for nurturing their steady growth.

We’re saying that punishment is not the path to growth. That true accountability comes through relationship, which is what truly matters most. And that you, the parent, matter too.

Let’s walk through a real-life example:

Scenario: Your child hits their sibling.

Behavior-based approach:

“You hit your brother. That’s not okay. You’ve lost your screen time for the rest of the day.”

Child screams, runs away, or escalates into more aggressive behavior. Now you’ve got two dysregulated kids and one exhausted parent who has to figure out what to do about more hitting (more punishments?) and setting new rules about running off, not to mention coming back to the (now burned) dinner prep that set off this whole fiasco in the first place.

Low demand approach:

Focus on what each kid needs to de-escalate and come back to safety: Drape a blanket over the hitter and give them a popsicle and a soothing show. This is not “rewarding them for bad behavior.” This is bringing their body back into safety, while focusing on the connected relationship, so their brain can think, learn, and make it’s best decisions. Hug and cuddle the hurt kid, or help them get safe behind a locked door in another room if the environment still feels unsafe.

De-shame and explain: “Oof, your body got dysregulated, and you hurt your sister. I know you’re a good kid, and that you only hurt people when you’re hurting.” (even if they say: “I wanted to do it! I meant to do it! I hate her!” you know the real truth: Hurting people hurt people. These words are simply more evidence that this child is really dysregulated and suffering.)

[Listen if any words or further behaviors come up where the struggling child shows or tells you more about why and how they are hurting (are they hungry? Jealous? Scared? Exhausted from a long day? Is there a sound, smell or other sensory trigger that set them off?]

Later, once calm, safe, and settled (if your child has developed enough self-reflection and safety to do meaningful repair): “I am wondering how we might make this right with your sister.”

This approach still protects everyone’s safety. It still names what happened. But instead of punishment, it invites restoration. Instead of teaching through fear, it teaches through connection.

What We Actually Want to Teach

Let’s be honest: most “consequences” don’t actually teach the lesson we want our kids to learn.

Taking away screen time might teach your child not to get caught next time. It might teach them that your love is conditional. It might even teach them to internalize shame — “I am bad” instead of “I made a mistake.”

But it won’t teach them how to feel compassion or remorse. Or how to repair. Or how to regulate big emotions so they don’t lash out in the future.

That’s the goal of low demand parenting — not just stopping the behavior in the moment, but nurturing the capacity for long-term growth. That starts with trust. With modeling. With support.

It starts with you.

It Starts With You

Here’s the quiet truth beneath it all: this way of parenting — this low demand, connection-first, shame-free approach — starts with us.

Not because we have to be perfect.

Not because we have to be endlessly calm, or wise, or sturdy.

But because we’re the grown-ups in the room — and we get to go first.

We get to model what it looks like to be a full human in relationship with another full human. We get to practice what it means to stay curious, even when things are hard. We get to admit when we’ve made a mistake and come back into connection. We get to show our kids that growth doesn’t come from punishment — it comes from reflection, from self-compassion, from trying again.

Letting go of punishment doesn’t just free our kids. It frees us, too.

It means we don’t have to be the enforcer, the rule-keeper, the one who always knows what to do. We don’t have to clutch our authority with white knuckles, terrified that if we let go for even a second, everything will fall apart. We can stop pretending we’ve got it all figured out.

Because the truth is: none of us have done this before.

Not like this.

We’ve never parented this child, in this moment, through this storm. We are always first-timers. So let’s make room for that. Let’s build in self-compassion, not as a bonus, but as the first and most necessary ingredient. Let’s hold ourselves gently, so we can hold our children gently too.

You don’t have to be perfect.

You just have to be willing to learn.

And in that willingness — to repair, to grow, to stay connected — you’re already doing the most important work of all.