A Strategy to Learn From Sibling Conflict

KIDS DO WELL WHEN THEY CAN

Anytime we're talking about behaviors like sibling conflict, the very first thing to remember is that kids do well if they can. We always start here.

If you are seeing behaviors between siblings that you don't want to see, that means something is getting in their way. Either a missing skill, a demand that is too challenging, or a nervous system that's overloaded and can't manage the number of accumulating demands.

WHAT TO DO FIRST

After we've seen a meltdown or a fight, the first thing to do is step back and ask:

Who’s having a problem, and what problem are they having?

You’ll discern this from what you saw and witnessed, from what you already know, and from any communication that you can have with the kids. That seems really basic, but it’s so important to identify. Not what they did, but what their problem was that led them to solve that problem with hitting, screaming, etc.

GRAB SOME PAPER

Get a piece of paper, and write the situation at the top. Then divide the paper into several columns, and write the names of the people who were involved at the top, plus yourself (if it was all three of my kids, then I would have a column for each of them plus me).

Write down what problem each person had and how they chose to solve it. It may seem like you had no problem, but think about what you were doing at the time: What goal did you have for your kids? i.e. play together so I can prep dinner. Your problem was getting dinner made.

WHY “PROBLEMS”?

Working from a "problem you were trying to solve" mentality shifts us out of blame and shame. We are all using the skills we have to solve our problems in the best ways we know how in the moment. Often, beneath our kids' disruptive behaviors is an unmet need.

An unmet need is a problem, and these unmet needs often lead our kids into conflicts with each other. When we address the need, we can interrupt the cycle and solve it on a deeper level.

HOW THIS TRANSLATES TO THE KIDS

In talking to your children about the conflict, you want to immediately pivot from the "who hit who" or "who started it" debates. You are only curious about root causes.

Questions I might ask them if I'm trying to get at what their problem was:

• What were you trying to do?

• What was happening before you got into a fight?

• What were you hoping would happen?

OUR REAL LIFE

In our household, my kids are often hitting because they were hoping that their sibling would go away and leave them alone. Or they are screaming because they are hoping that I will come and help. Or they are angry and want to show that they didn't like the way their brother was playing. They had a purpose and a plan. But I can help them meet that need for space or for help or communicate a boundary with a more adaptive tool. When I add in the tool, like the words "I didn't like it when you...", they relax into the solution, knowing it meets their real need.

THE TAKEAWAY

Our children's behavior makes logical internal sense to them. It does not need to make sense to us. We can accept it without judgment, while still supporting them in making a more adaptive choice.

When our kids are fighting or in conflict, they likely have needs that are in conflict, which is a tricky situation, leading them to solve their problems with less adaptive solutions. We shift away from what they did and toward why they did it, so that we can help them find another tool to solve their real problem.