A Prayer for Being Bored with my Life

Today every face I see

will call me mom

and depend on me for their existence.

We won’t leave these walls.

For us, it’s a can’t.

Can’t leave today.

Too hard today.

All the world seems to swirl with plans:

Busy busy busy,

While we stand still—

The only figures frozen in place

while the wider world whirls.

I open my phone and click to the calendar app

longing for something to pop up

to look forward to,

to distract,

to fill

the empty long hours.

Nothing.

And yet I know I will hardly sit down today

I will not rest today.

I will scurry, I will move,

I will traipse

I will carry

the weight of three fragile nervous systems

the weight of one complex family system

the weight of all the possible meltdowns

that could (will?) flow and fill

my empty calendar.

And yet 

even knowing what heaviness the day will hold

I am bored.

Lonely.

Restless.

All these empty moments to fill

Stretching out to bedtime and beyond

Dreams of park visits and playdates

And museums and adventurous walks

And independent play and art projects.

My fantasy life that wants to fill 

my empty calendar

with its seductive allure

of the life that I thought I’d live

a vast and endless distraction from

the goodness and realness of my existence.

What does the prayer life of a bored parent sound like?

“Hi again, still just here.”

“May this bowl of cereal not get soggy so fast.”

“Give me the inner strength to 

play another Roblox clicker simulator game.”

And yet my longings press deeper

into the heart of my desire to love 

this life I live.

I long to be lost in wonder.

I long to be swept away in gratitude.

I long to be encased in compassion.

I long to be empowered by love

That I get this day 

to walk beside the ones I love,

that I get this day

to explore the curiosity of my mind

that I get this day

to create beauty and joy

our of the ordinary clay of our existence.

Is this how you feel about our radiant ordinariness?

Quotidian wonders

holy, mundane creations

Formed by your hand to wonder and wander

To be richly blessed 

whether we are busy or bored.

To be inherently worthy 

whether we perform or fall flat.

To be vastly loved, 

even when our tank is drained dry

To be in the center of your sight,

even when our work is invisible to the world.

May even my boredom be blessed

May even my emptiness filled

May your will be done

In this day

Whatever it may hold.

Amen.