Why does my PDAer always hurt their sibling?

Sibling relationships are tricky for any family, but for families with a child who has Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), these dynamics can be uniquely challenging. PDA is a neurobiological disability, and it comes with a hypersensitivity to perceived threats and a powerful drive for autonomy. 

PDAers are, in many ways, allergic to control—any perceived attempt to limit our* freedom can set off a threat response. 

(*As I identify as a PDAer myself, I will speak collectively about our shared experience, with the needed caveat that every PDAer can and should narrate their experience for themselves in the way that most resonates with them.)

At the heart of PDA is the need for balance. Imagine an internal scale that has to stay perfectly even. When that balance is tipped—when a PDAer feels their autonomy, leadership, or competency is being challenged—we will do whatever it takes to right the scales. This process is often called “leveling” (a term coined by Kristy Forbes), and it’s particularly pervasive within sibling relationships. Our kids often feel simultaneously safest and most threatened in these relationships, making them fertile ground for these rebalancing-the-scales behaviors.

A Personal Example of Rebalancing

Recently, I had a moment that truly drove home the concept of this compulsive drive to right the scales. My husband was making dinner, and I was having one of those exhausting, frustrating evenings with the kids. As I tried to navigate the chaos, I glanced over and saw him meticulously peeling carrots. Slowly. Carefully. All the peelings were being placed neatly in the compost. Meanwhile, I was getting screamed at. 

Something in me snapped. It felt deeply unfair—he had the luxury of peeling carrots in peace, while I was stuck in a storm. Later that night, when I was cleaning up, I grabbed the compost bag full of those carrot peelings and threw it in them right in the trash. With gusto. And suddenly, I felt much better.

That’s rebalancing the scales. PDAers—adults and kids alike—engage in these behaviors to regain a sense of control and stability. Sometimes it’s subtle, and sometimes it’s blatant. Sometimes it’s conscious, and sometimes it’s subconscious. But it’s always about trying to rebalance and find steady ground when we feel that something is off.

Why Siblings Trigger Rebalancing

Sibling relationships are the perfect breeding ground for these rebalancing behaviors because PDAers often feel safest with their siblings. It’s in these safe relationships that they externalize their dysregulation. Birth order can also complicate things—PDAers may feel an inherent inequality if they’re younger or smaller. They might fawn over older siblings while directing their frustration and dysregulation toward younger ones.

The tricky part is that there’s no easy fix for sibling leveling. It’s hard whether you have one PDA child or multiple. With a non-PDA sibling, that child is often leaned on heavily to accommodate their sibling. With multiple PDAers, you have a power struggle where no one is willing to bend. And having an only child PDAer comes with its own challenges, as there’s no other nervous system to help regulate or provide stimulation.

I get it. I live it. My kids, when they’re in that unsafe, unsteady sibling balance, can hurt each other constantly. Sometimes all it takes from their sibling is a look, a sigh, or just walking into the room. These moments can spark a chain reaction of yelling, name-calling, or worse. Navigating this complex dynamic has been a daily, sometimes hourly, challenge for me over the past decade.

Many of you have needed to permanently separate your kids for hours, days, seasons, to keep them as safe as you can. We’ve spent countless hours brainstorming innovative ways to keep our kids separate and safe when we have few other options. 

Rupture and Repair in Sibling Dynamics

Many parents feel ashamed or overwhelmed by the intensity of sibling conflicts in their homes, but it’s important to remember that sibling relationships are one of the primary places where our kids learn the essential human rhythm of rupture and repair. They learn how to make mistakes and how to fix them. They learn how to get hurt and heal.

I don’t subscribe to the “all kids fight, get over it” mentality, because there’s a difference between fights that help us grow and fights that leave lifelong scars. Our job as parents is to support our kids in learning how to fight well, disagree with compassion, and repair the hurt in authentic ways.

What can you do next? 

Start by acknowledging that conflicts are inevitable and natural, especially for PDAers. Instead of focusing on preventing every fight, focus on guiding your children through the repair process afterward. Give them time to cool off, and once they’re calm, help them express what happened and how they felt. Encourage them to think about how they can make things right in a way that feels meaningful to both of them. By modeling this process, you’re teaching them that even when things break down, they can always be repaired—with honesty, love, and care.

Sibling dynamics are tough, but they are also a powerful opportunity for growth—for both our PDA kids and their siblings.