Why We Don’t Compare Our Kids To Each Other

Comparison is one of the quickest ways to create tension in sibling relationships, especially when one child has Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) or another disability. It’s natural for parents to notice differences between their children, but when we start openly or publicly comparing one child’s strengths or behaviors to another’s, it can fuel resentment, shame, and a sense of competition. For PDAers, who already feel hypersensitive to control and judgment, comparison can be particularly toxic.

In this post, we’ll explore why comparison is so damaging and how you can create a family culture that embraces each child’s individuality without the need for comparison.

Why Comparison is Harmful

Even neurotypical siblings struggle with the pressure of being compared to one another. When parents compare one child’s behavior, achievements, or abilities to another’s, it can send the message that one child is "better" or more loved, even if that’s not the intention. For a child with PDA, this sense of unfairness can feel even more intense, as they are constantly striving to maintain control over their environment. Being compared to a sibling who seems to have more control over their behavior or emotions can trigger a deep sense of inadequacy or anger.

Here’s why comparison doesn’t help:

• It Magnifies Shame: For PDAers, being compared to a sibling who handles situations differently can magnify feelings of shame. Shame is a core trigger for dysregulation in PDAers, as they already feel misunderstood and judged by the world around them. When they are compared to a sibling, it reinforces the idea that they are "failing" in some way, even if they are trying their best.
• It Fuels Competition: Comparisons naturally breed competition, even when that’s not your intention. Siblings might feel the need to outdo each other or prove themselves in areas where they think they can win. This creates a dynamic where siblings are focused on beating each other, rather than supporting each other.
• It Overshadows Individual Strengths: Each child is unique, with their own strengths, interests, and needs. When we compare children, we tend to overlook their individuality and instead hold them to a standard that might not be realistic or fair. This can make children feel like they’re never good enough simply as they are.

How to Embrace Individuality Instead

So, how do we avoid comparison and instead celebrate each child’s individuality?

First, focus on each child as their own person. Instead of comparing your children to each other, highlight their individual strengths. For example, rather than saying, “Your sister is so organized, why can’t you be more like her?” you might say, “I really appreciate the creative way you approach this project—it’s so unique to you.” Celebrating differences helps you move away from comparison and toward a recognition of each child’s distinct qualities.

It’s also important to avoid public praise that can feel like a put-down to another sibling. Even well-meaning praise can be interpreted negatively. For instance, if you praise one child for sitting quietly, another child may feel criticized for not meeting the same standard. Save praise for private moments, or frame it in a way that doesn’t invite comparison by keeping the focus on the individual child.

Finally, teach each child about their own strengths. Help them understand what makes them special, independent of their siblings. These conversations help children feel valued for who they are.

Cultivating a Non-Competitive Family Culture

A family culture that embraces individuality and rejects comparison is one where children can thrive without feeling the need to compete with each other for attention or validation. Here are a few ways to nurture this type of environment:

1. Model Acceptance of Differences  

Show your children that it’s okay to be different. Talk about your own strengths and areas where you struggle without comparing yourself to others. This helps children see that it’s normal for everyone to have unique abilities and challenges.

2. Create Space for Each Child to Shine  

Ensure that each child has opportunities to shine in their own way. If one child excels in baseball and the other is passionate about Pokemon, give them both the chance to showcase their talents without comparing their achievements.

3. Use a Low Demand Approach for Each Child  

Remember, each child has their own capacity at any given time. Applying a low demand approach to all of your children helps ensure that no one feels pressured to meet expectations they aren’t ready for. This creates a more harmonious environment where children are valued for who they are, not for what they achieve.

Takeaway

Avoiding comparison and embracing individuality in sibling relationships is key to creating a family culture where each child feels valued for who they are. By celebrating differences, avoiding praise that invites competition, and giving each child individual attention, you can help your children develop strong relationships based on mutual respect and appreciation. Sibling relationships don’t have to be a contest—instead, they can be a space where each child is seen, heard, and celebrated.