When Can I Ask My PDA Kid to Do Something Again?

If you’ve been practicing Low Demand Parenting for any amount of time, you’ve probably hit this moment:

You’ve dropped the demands.

Your home is calmer.

Your kid is more regulated.

You’re starting to breathe again.

And then… a question creeps in:

Can we try again? Is it okay to bring this back?

That’s what this blog is all about.

But first, let’s name who we’re talking about.

In this blog, I’m using the term PDA kid — which refers to a child with a neurodivergent profile marked by a hypersensitivity to threats to autonomy, control, and mastery. PDAers don’t do well with pressure, rigidity, or power-over strategies. We thrive when given spaciousness, flexibility, and authentic respect. That’s why low demand parenting, in a context of genuine collaboration and mutual care, is such a powerful fit.

Not “Pushing” — Stretching

Let’s start here:

The goal isn’t to push — it’s to stretch.

Stretching doesn’t require compliance or performance.

It requires safety, trust, and just enough challenge to create movement without collapse.

Push vs. Stretch

Pushing sounds like:

• “You did it last time, so I know you can do it again.”
  
  
• “It’s time to get back on track.”
  
  
• “You’re being lazy/stubborn.”
  
  
• “If I don’t make them do it, they never will.”
  
  

Stretching sounds like:

• “What would make this feel more doable today?”
  
  
• “Can we try one small step together?”
  
  
• “Let’s pause if it gets too hard.”
  
  
• “We don’t have to finish, just see how it feels.”
  
  

Stretching is invitational. It respects your child’s nervous system and lived experience. It’s about working with them, not against them. It’s about learning and collaboration, not compliance and pressure.

Meet Jack

Let me tell you a story from a client I worked with for several months.

Jack is 12. For almost a year, his world had shrunk. No school. No outings. He stayed in his room all day, headphones on, barely eating, screaming when his parents opened the door. His family had dropped every expectation — even brushing teeth and showering. His parents were scared. They feared he’d never return to “normal life.”

But over time, Jack stabilized.

He started joining family dinner once a week for his favorite meal – Domino’s pizza. He started texting his cousin again, mostly cat memes, but sometimes an update about his day. One day, unprompted, he walked outside barefoot and sat on the porch steps. Just for a minute.

His mom wanted to cry. But she didn’t rush in with praise or excitement. She didn’t say, “See? You can do it.” She just slid onto the porch beside him and said, “Feels good out here.”

That moment became a seed. And from there, Jack and his parents began experimenting. Five minutes outside turned into ten. Porch steps turned into short walks. One day, he brought a book with him. Not every stretch stuck. Sometimes they tried and had to pull back. But the overall movement?

It was forward.

A Simple Framework for Stretching

When you’re considering reintroducing a demand — something you’ve let go of because it was too hard — here are a few things to reflect on:

1. Has regulation increased?

• Are meltdowns less frequent, shorter, or less intense?
  
  
• Does your child recover more quickly from dysregulation?
  
  
• Are they initiating connection or showing curiosity again?
  
  

This doesn’t mean everything is easy. But if your child’s baseline is more stable, it might be time to test the waters.

2. Are they asking for more?

This is one of the best indicators.

When your child starts wanting more — more information, more connection, more independence, more novelty — it tells you their nervous system has more room.

Even if they don’t say it directly, watch for signs:

• Bringing you a project
  
  
• Wanting to recreate something they saw in a video
  
  
• Asking curious questions
  
  
• Following you around
  
  
• Saying “I’m bored” (even if they’re unsure what else they want)
  
  

These are green lights that something inside is shifting.

3. Can I make this easier?

Stretching isn’t a return to the full original demand. It’s a gentle reintroduction.

Ask yourself:

• Could we try 2 minutes instead of 20?
  
  
• Could I add co-regulation or a visual support?
  
  
• Could I offer more power, choice, or control?
  
  
• Could I infuse it with fun or novelty?
  
  
• Could I lower my expectations around how or when this gets done?
  
  

This isn’t about testing whether they “can” do it.

It’s about offering a possibility, then watching closely to see if it lands.

4. Can I handle the outcome?

Sometimes we’re the ones who aren’t ready.

Check in with yourself:

• Can I handle a no?
  
  
• Am I okay if they need to pull back again?
  
  
• Will I be triggered if it all falls apart?
  
  
• Am I grounded enough to advocate for them if needed?
  
  

Reintroducing a demand isn’t just about their readiness — it’s about yours too.

And you matter just as much.

5. What actually matters right now?

This is your anchor.

When you’re spinning in doubt or fear, come back here.

• Is this demand aligned with our values?
  
  
• Does it nurture joy, growth, connection?
  
  
• Or is it about returning to “normal” for someone else’s comfort?
  
  

Stretching isn’t about chasing milestones or ticking boxes.

It’s about moving toward what actually matters — for your family.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to push your PDA kid forward.

You don’t have to rush or chase or force anything.

You can stretch gently — with curiosity, care, and trust in the process.

And if they’re not ready yet? That’s okay too.

When there’s enough safety, capacity returns.

Stay close. Keep watching. You’ll know when it’s time.