Understanding the Window of Tolerance: Knowing When “Hard” Becomes “Too Hard”

I knew it was going to be a rough day when my son woke up already on edge. His voice was sharper than usual, he stomped to the table, and even the smell of his own favorite cereal made him scowl. I had planned a low-key morning—just a trip to the library followed by a quick stop at the grocery store—but I could feel his tension brewing beneath the surface. Still, I thought we could manage it. The library was usually a calming place for him, and we’d be in and out of the store within 15 minutes. What could go wrong?

Everything.

By the time we got to the library, the scratchiness of his new sweatshirt had become unbearable. He complained about the noise of a little kid whining nearby. He refused to pick out any books, saying the book options were “all for babies.” When we finally left for the grocery store, he was spiraling, and it only got worse when we entered the fluorescent-lit chaos of the produce section. Within minutes, he was in a full meltdown, tears streaming down his face as he sat next to a huge display of potatoes, begging me to leave the cart where it was and take him straight home.

And in that moment, I realized: I had misread his window of tolerance. What I thought would be “hard but doable” had tipped into “too hard,” and the consequences were clear.

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

The window of tolerance is a concept rooted in trauma research and neuroscience. It describes the range of stress or stimulation a person can handle before becoming dysregulated. When someone is within their window, they can engage, learn, and cope—even if they’re facing stress and challenges. But when they’re pushed outside that window, their nervous system shifts into survival mode: fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

For neurodivergent kids, that window tends to be smaller, with stressors stacking up more quickly, which all adds up to make our kids more easily overwhelmed. (Us neurodivergent adults can have narrow windows of tolerance too). Sensory input, transitions, and emotional stressors can quickly push us from “I’m managing” to “I can’t handle this.” And once we hit “too hard,” things like meltdowns, shutdowns, or aggressive behaviors often follow.

That’s where the Drop or Not framework comes in. It helps parents assess whether a task is within your child’s capacity—or if it’s time to drop the demand.

Introducing the Drop or Not Flow Chart

The Drop or Not flow chart is designed to help you decide whether to move forward with an ask or drop it completely. Here’s how it works:

• Green Light: Move forward with the ask if it’s within the child’s capacity and worth the effort.
• Yellow Light: Listen, adjust, and modify the demand as needed.
• Red Light: Drop the demand wholeheartedly when it’s too hard to manage.

But how do you know when something is too hard versus just a challenge they can work through? That’s where the FRAME system comes in.

The FRAME System: Recognizing Signs of “Too Hard”

What you see depends on the FRAME you choose. Are you interpreting your child’s resistance as defiance, or are you seeing the deeper signals that they’re overwhelmed? The FRAME system helps parents identify when their child is signaling that a task is too hard:

F - Frozen: Your child may appear stuck, with a blank stare, lack of communication, or repeated failed attempts to start the task.

R - Refusing: Refusal can be verbal or nonverbal, such as walking away, hiding, or shaking their head vigorously. You may hear statements like, “I won’t do it!” or “You can’t make me!”

A - Anxious: Anxiety might show up as fear of failure, worry about getting hurt, or concern about disappointing you. They may race to complete the task while overwhelmed.

M - Melting Down: Crying, yelling, or laying on the floor are signs that the stress has reached a breaking point.

E - Exploding: Physical aggression, screaming, or hurting themselves or others can indicate full dysregulation.

These aren’t signs that your child is bad, naughty, disrespectful, defiant, or testing your boundaries—they’re signs that your child’s nervous system is overwhelmed.

Hard, But Doable: What to Look For

1. Mild resistance, like whining, eye-rolling, or grumbling, but your child remains connected and engaged.
2. Slight stress that can be managed with support (e.g., sighing or fidgeting).
3. The ability to attempt the task, even if they need guidance or encouragement.
4. Short-lived frustration that resolves with help. 

When It’s Too Hard: Adjusting the Ask

If you identify that a demand is pushing your child beyond their window of tolerance, the next step is to adjust the ask or drop the demand altogether. The Drop or Not framework suggests two main approaches:

1.   Drop Demands:

• Break the task into smaller steps.
• Lower expectations (e.g., less time, fewer tasks, or a simpler version of the task).
• Postpone the task until a better time.
• Offer multiple options for how the task can be completed.
• Reduce sensory triggers, transitions, or other environmental stressors. 

2.   Raise Supports:

• Increase autonomy, flexibility, and choice.
• Introduce novelty and fun, like music, imagination, and silliness. 
• Add sensory tools, such as fidgets, timers, or gum.
• Stay physically present to provide reassurance.
• Complete most of the task together or do parts of it for them.

Final Thoughts: Trust the Process

Understanding when a task is “hard but doable” versus “too hard” can be a game-changer for parents navigating low demand parenting. It’s not about avoiding challenges altogether—it’s about recognizing when your child’s nervous system needs a break and creating a path that works for them.

The Drop or Not framework and FRAME system are tools to help you navigate those decisions with confidence. Some days, you’ll drop a demand wholeheartedly. Other days, you’ll raise supports and adjust the ask. Both approaches are valid, and both are rooted in the same goal: creating a safe, supportive environment where your child can thrive.

You don’t have to get it right every time. Just keep observing, adjusting, learning and trusting the process. You’re doing amazing work.