Three Things I Never Do to a PDA Parent

Supporting parents of children with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is crucial. PDA is a profile on the autism spectrum characterized by extreme anxiety and a need to control one’s environment, making traditional parenting methods ineffective. Here are three things I would never do to a PDA parent to ensure they feel supported and understood.

1. I Never Disbelieve Them.

When a PDA parent tells me about their child's struggles or the challenges they face, I always believe them. The experiences of PDA parents can be incredibly demanding and often beyond what others might comprehend. In fact, my baseline belief is that things are often harder and worse than a parent is telling me. For instance, in a coaching session with Sarah, a PDA parent, she told me about her child's struggles with sensory overload at school, which came out as anger, flipping over tables and desks and yelling at teachers. Despite numerous attempts to explain the underlying sensory realities and nervous system disability to teachers and administrators, Sarah felt roundly dismissed and unheard by teachers and administrators alike. 

As her coach, believing Sarah’s account validates her experiences and her child’s reality. It provides her much-needed empathy and compassionate understanding. Her child is not bad; he is suffering. He does not need more punishments; he needs systemic accommodations. Being believed was crucial. Sarah stepped out of her chronic self-doubt and began to advocate with clarity and conviction. Being believed is the foundation of trust and support that PDA parents desperately need.

2. I Never Judge Their Decisions.

PDA parents make difficult decisions every day, often under intense scrutiny. We are often faced with impossible scenarios. Support a child in rubbing toothpaste all over the sink, knowing that this will help them eventually brush their teeth with more regularity and in the short-term to stave off a meltdown right before bed, knowing it will dry before we get back to it and mean losing an hour of sleep in cleaning it up later; or insist that they stop immediately, with threats, punishments, bribes, or physically removing them from the situation, which will likely escalate their distress and focus it on us, potentially leading to our getting hurt.

Research in the field of neurodiversity emphasizes the importance of non-judgmental support for parents. Studies have shown that parental stress levels are significantly impacted by perceived judgment from others regarding their parenting decisions. By refraining from judgment, friends, family members, and professionals can create a safe and supportive environment for PDA parents to navigate their unique challenges. It's essential to remember that they are making decisions with their child's best interests at heart. Even if there is room to grow, we all do our best parenting work from a solid foundation of non judgment and acceptance.

3. I Never Shame Them.

Shame can be incredibly damaging, especially for PDA parents who already face immense challenges. Our sense of safety is already so fragile due to the high-stakes parenting realities we face on a daily basis due to caring for a child with a nervous system disability. A practical way to avoid shaming is to set aside any and all “shoulds” and embrace genuine curiosity. Use language that fosters empathy and validation. For example, instead of offering unsolicited advice or criticism, simply listen with empathy and offer validation. Instead of saying, "You should try disciplining your child differently," or “Have you read [X, Y, Z] book. It would help,” try saying, "It sounds like you're facing a challenging situation. I’d love to hear more. How can I support you?" This approach helps PDA parents feel safe and understood, creating a space where they can unlearn unhelpful patterns and establish new ones.

Here’s the truth: PDA parents are some of the most dedicated and resilient people I know. We do not need more ideas of things to try or more people who second-guess us. We need to be heard, believed, and supported. We need to feel safe. 

By believing us, refraining from judgment, and avoiding shaming language, our supportive community can provide the support we need to thrive. Remember, no one does their best parenting from a place of fear or judgment. 

By offering empathy and understanding, we can help PDA parents and PDA children feel safe and supported.