The First Step to Low Demand: Identifying the Invisible Demands

I’ll never forget the day I realized that breakfast was breaking us. I had tried everything to make mornings smoother—visual schedules, food menus, reward charts, cute sand timers—but every morning still ended with tears, shouting, or cereal knocked on the floor…and often all three. One morning, after another meltdown over putting on socks, I sat on the floor and cried, wondering why this was so hard for me to simply feed my kids and drink a cup of coffee.

That’s when I had my lightbulb moment: I wasn’t just asking my child to eat breakfast. I was asking for so much more without even realizing it. I was asking them to sit still. To ignore the scratchy tag on their pajamas. To know what they wanted to eat and talk to me about it. To process the sounds of the microwave beeping and their siblings’ singing. I was asking them to be ready for school on time. And I was asking them to do all of that with a smile and a “good attitude.”

No wonder breakfast felt impossible. It wasn’t about the cereal—it was about the invisible demands piling up behind it.

What Are Invisible Demands?

Invisible demands are all the hidden expectations we carry that our kids might not be able to meet—things we don’t even think of as demands but that can feel overwhelming to a child with a sensitive nervous system.

Here’s an example from one of the parents I’ve worked with. Her daughter, Emma, was having daily meltdowns at bedtime. On the surface, it seemed like a simple request: Go to bed. But when we unpacked it, we realized that “going to bed” meant a whole cascade of invisible demands:

• Get undressed (and manage the sensory discomfort of taking off clothes).
• Put on pajamas (and tolerate their texture).
• Brush teeth (which might feel overwhelming to the senses).
• Lie in a dark, quiet room without distractions.
• Transition from wakefulness to sleep, which requires a calm, regulated body.

Bedtime wasn’t just about lying down—it was about navigating a series of demands that Emma couldn’t meet all at once. And for kids who are neurodivergent, sensitive, or easily overwhelmed, invisible demands can quickly stack up until they feel like an impossible, soul-crushing mountain.

Why Invisible Demands Matter

Invisible demands are often the root of the meltdowns, refusals, and shutdowns that make parents feel stuck. You might think your child is being defiant or testing your boundaries or giving you a hard time, but really, they’re simply overwhelmed.

One of the biggest shifts I see in parents who embrace low demand parenting is this: They stop seeing their child as stubborn or resistant and start seeing them as overwhelmed. And once you see the demands for what they are, you can begin to let them go.

How to Spot Invisible Demands

Start by picking a moment in your daily routine that feels particularly hard—maybe it’s getting dressed, stopping video games, getting out the door for soccer, or sitting down for dinner. Now, break that moment down into all the small tasks or expectations it involves. What might feel “invisible” to you but overwhelming to your child?

Here’s an example:

Getting Out the Door in the Morning

• Deciding what to eat and eating quickly
• Putting on clothes that don’t feel scratchy or uncomfortable.
• Wearing socks and shoes (even if they hate the way socks feel).
• Being told what to do, when to do it, and how fast to do it. 
• Transitioning from the comfort of home to the unknown of the outside world.
• Moving quickly, even when they feel slow and dysregulated.
• Carrying a backpack that’s heavy or uncomfortable.
• Navigating loud or crowded environments like buses or school hallways.

What looks like “just getting out the door” to you might feel like a marathon to your child.

Real-Life Story: From Meltdowns to Mornings of Ease

When I worked with a parent named Maria, her mornings were a battleground. Her son, Lucas, melted down almost every day before school, leading to epic wrestling matches to get him buckled into the car and laps around the school parking lot while he screamed. Maria felt like she was failing as a parent. “If I can’t even get him out the door without a fight, what am I doing wrong?” she asked me.

We started by breaking down all the invisible demands involved in their morning routine. We realized that Lucas wasn’t struggling with “getting ready”—he was overwhelmed by the sensory and emotional demands baked into each step. We made a plan to drop as many of those demands as possible.

1. Lucas switched from wearing jeans to soft sweatpants that didn’t trigger his sensory discomfort. He put them on the night before instead of pajamas, so that he didn’t have to change clothes in the morning.
2. They moved breakfast to a “grab-and-go” snack so he could eat independently in the car without any added pressure to finish quickly.
3. Maria gave him 15 extra minutes in the morning to watch his favorite YouTube channel, which helped him self-regulate before the day began.

Within two weeks, the meltdowns had almost disappeared. Maria wasn’t doing anything magical—she was simply seeing the demands for what they were and dropping the ones that weren’t essential.

How to Start Dropping Invisible Demands

1.   Get Curious

The first step is to observe without judgment. When a difficult moment arises, ask yourself: What might my child be experiencing right now that I’m not seeing? Are they overwhelmed by sensory input? Are they struggling to transition from one activity to another? Are they holding in emotions from an earlier part of the day? Are they experiencing a big internal sensation like hunger, tiredness, boredom, or needing to use the bathroom?

2.   Break It Down

Take a common point of struggle—like homework, bedtime, or meal times—and break it down into every small task, sensation, layer, or expectation involved. Write it all down if you can. Sometimes seeing it all on paper helps you realize how much you’re asking of your child, or what they are expecting of themselves.

3.   Drop What’s Not Essential

Once you’ve identified the invisible demands, start letting go of anything that is in your control and isn’t truly necessary. Maybe your child doesn’t need to eat at the table every night if it’s a battle. Maybe you can skip the morning teeth brushing one day and come back to it later when they’re more regulated.

Dropping demands isn’t about giving up on structure or goals—it’s about creating space for your child to feel safe and connected. You can drop something today and bring it back tomorrow, when it’s more doable. Your child will become your partner in this journey, helping you with needed information about what’s doable and what’s too much. Your shared trust will grow, and your connection will deepen. 

The Power of Dropping Demands

Dropping invisible demands can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve been taught that structure and consistency are the keys to good parenting. But here’s what I’ve learned: When you create space for your child to regulate and recover, it builds trust—and that trust becomes the foundation for future growth.

Lucas eventually started putting on his own soft clothes every evening without prompting. Emma began settling into bedtime with giggles instead of battles. These changes didn’t happen because their parents forced them into routines or stayed strong and consistent—they happened because their parents dropped the pressure, saw the invisible demands, and gave them room to breathe.

You don’t need to do everything perfectly. Just start by noticing the demands you didn’t even realize were there. Drop one today. Drop another tomorrow. Little by little, you’re creating a low demand environment where your child can thrive.