Talking Openly About Disability in Your Family: Fostering Compassion and Understanding

One of the most important things you can do for your children—PDA or not—is to create a family culture where disability is openly discussed, understood, and embraced. For family members with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), autism, ADHD, learning disabilities, or other neurodivergent identities, talking about their disability helps foster self-awareness and reduces shame. For siblings, these conversations are essential for building compassion, reducing frustration, and encouraging accommodation.

Why Disability Conversations Matter

For many parents, it can feel daunting to talk about disability with their children. Maybe you worry about labeling your child or fear that discussing their disability might make them feel "different" in a negative way. But when we avoid these conversations, we miss the opportunity to help our children understand themselves and each other on a deeper level.

Talking about disability in an open, honest way is empowering for your disabled kid or family member. It allows them to put words to their experiences and feel seen for who they truly are. For their siblings, these conversations provide insight into why their brother or sister may behave in certain ways and encourage empathy and accommodation.

How to Talk About Disability in Your Family

Here are some practical steps for discussing disability in a way that fosters compassion and understanding:

1. Use Direct and Honest Language  

Don’t shy away from words like "disabled," "autistic," "PDA," or "ADHD." These terms are not negative—they are neutral descriptors that help explain how your child experiences the world. For example, instead of saying, “He just can’t apologize right now,” try, “His nervous system is overwhelmed, and part of his disability is that when he feels like he’s losing control, he can’t apologize in that moment. But when he feels safe again, he’ll be able to in his own way.”

2. Explain How the Disability Impacts Everyday Life  

Go beyond labels and explain how specific aspects of your child’s disability affect their daily experience. For example, you might say, “Your sister has ADHD, and that means it’s really hard for her to shift her focus quickly. So when she’s playing a game and can’t stop right away, it’s not because she’s ignoring you—it’s because her brain needs time to transition.” This helps siblings understand that behaviors aren’t personal but are part of how the disability shows up.

3. Bring Disability into Everyday Conversations  

Disability isn’t a one-time conversation. It’s something that should be woven into the fabric of your family’s everyday dialogue. When you’re out in public and see someone struggling, instead of criticizing, use it as an opportunity for a curious conversation: “I wonder if they have a disability that makes it hard for them to do that. What could make this situation easier for them?” By normalizing these discussions, you’re helping your children understand that disability is a natural part of life.

4. Teach About Structural Ableism  

Help your children understand that disability isn’t just about individual differences—it’s also about how society is set up in ways that make it harder for some people to thrive. For example, you can point out when a space isn’t wheelchair accessible or when an activity requires skills that not everyone has. Explain that ableism is when structures or expectations don’t accommodate people with disabilities, and encourage your kids to think about how they can create more inclusive spaces.

Cultivating Compassion and Accommodation in Sibling Relationships

Once you’ve laid the groundwork for understanding disability, the next step is helping siblings cultivate compassion and accommodation for each other. This is a skill that will serve them not just in their relationship with their sibling, but in all of their interactions throughout life.

1. Acknowledge the Hard Parts  

It’s okay to acknowledge that living with a disabled sibling can be hard at times. Siblings may feel frustrated, overlooked, or confused by their brother or sister’s behavior. Make space for these emotions and validate their experiences. You can say something like, “I know it’s really tough when your brother gets upset and yells at you. It’s hard for him too, and that doesn’t make it any easier for you.” By validating their feelings, you’re giving them the space to express their frustration without guilt or shame.

2. Encourage Compassionate Understanding 

Help your non-PDA child develop compassion by framing their sibling’s behavior through the lens of their disability. Instead of saying, “Your sister’s just being difficult,” try, “She’s feeling really out of control right now because her disability makes it hard for her to manage transitions.” By helping them reframe their sibling’s behavior, you encourage empathy and patience, and help them begin to think toward lowering demands and making accommodations.

3. Practice Accommodation Together  

Create opportunities for your children to practice accommodating each other in small ways. This could be as simple as adjusting the volume of a game because one child is sensitive to noise, eating a snack in a different room if a child doesn’t like the smell, or giving extra time for transitions for a kid who moves a little slower. Let your children know that accommodating each other’s needs is part of being a family. You can say, “Just like how we make sure you get time alone when you need it, we also help your brother by giving him space when he feels overwhelmed.”

4. Model Compassion and Accommodation

Your children will learn how to accommodate each other by watching how you accommodate their needs. Show them what it looks like to support each other in ways that are compassionate and flexible. When one child is struggling, talk about how the family can adjust to make things easier for them.

Takeaway

Talking openly about disability in your family is a powerful way to foster compassion, understanding, and accommodation among your children. By normalizing these conversations, you’re helping your children see disability not as something to be ashamed of, but as part of the rich diversity of human experience. With regular discussions and a focus on kindness and accommodation, you can build a family culture where everyone feels seen, supported, and understood.