Navigating Back-to-School Anxiety: A Low Demand Approach for Parents and Children

As the new school year approaches, the familiar dread returns for many parents and children, especially those who have endured school trauma. The anticipation of navigating yet another school year filled with anxiety can be overwhelming. I vividly remember the tight knot in my stomach each August, as I watched my child’s anxiety skyrocket with each passing day. If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone.

Our kids are likely anxious too, whether they can verbalize and recognize it, or not. 

Will the adults be respectful and responsive, or will they be harsh and demanding? Will I make friends or be rejected? Can I keep up with the work, or will I fall behind? Will the lunchroom be impossibly noisy? What if the person sitting next to me makes gross sounds or eats smelly food? What if I can’t eat any lunch and feel sick and hungry all afternoon? What if I wiggle or zone out or interrupt and I get publicly shamed in front of the whole class? What if my parents blame me for making mistakes in school?

Understanding Back-to-School Anxiety and Trauma

Anxiety can stem from various sources, including separation from parents, social interactions, unpleasant sensory experiences, losing autonomy and control, and intense academic pressures. For children with a history of school trauma, these triggers can be exacerbated by memories of bullying or social exclusion, past academic struggles, overbearing teachers, uses punishment and shame, or sensory overload. 

Recognizing and naming these triggers is the first step in addressing back-to-school anxiety. 

In the low demand framework, a demand is anything that registers as “too hard” in the child’s nervous system, anything that makes them feel triggered, unsettled, dysregulated, or unsafe. We all experience demands. Any expectation that doesn’t feel doable for your kid is likely a demand. Yes, demands are a part of life. But proactively and intentionally dropping some of these demands can be a powerful tool in addressing school anxiety so your kids can thrive. 

You may see signs of demands subtly, like avoiding conversations about school or showing discomfort around school-related items. Your kid might not want to go back to school shopping or imagine the coming transition. 

I remember Sarah sharing her story about her son, Jake, who tensed up every time she mentioned school. It wasn’t the fear of peers that unsettled him, but the chaos of the cafeteria. Sensory issues, such as the loudness of the cafeteria or physical contact during PE, often play a significant role in school-related trauma. Understanding this, Sarah worked with the school to find quieter spaces for Jake, easing his anxiety.

Demands are cumulative. They build up in our nervous system, limiting our flexibility, adaptively, and resilience. Dropping lesser demands that are within our control will open up capacity to deal with other demands that are not within our control. Rather than focusing on what isn’t doable, hone in on what is. School-based accommodations can be very small and specific, and extremely powerful. Resist your own all-or-nothing thinking (and that of other adults who may be stuck or overwhelmed and unable to practice their own adaptability and flexibility). 

Reflection Questions:

What aspects of school may be a demand for your child? 

Are there certain teachers, subjects, or specials that your child finds particularly difficult? Are there people or parts of the day that they complain about, worry about, or refuse to discuss?

Are there sensory experiences that your child typically struggles with that may be coming up in school? e.g. Being touched unexpectedly, playing outdoors in wet/sunny/hot/cold weather, wearing or not wearing shoes or certain clothes, sitting in certain positions, loud or chaotic hallways, unpleasant smells or sights related to food and eating?

Are there social dynamics that your child doesn’t feel equipped to handle? e.g. Friendship dynamics, deciding who to play with, project work or group work, leadership roles?

Are there executive functioning expectations that your child doesn’t have the tools or capacity to manage currently? e.g. Keeping track of homework, taking notes, getting things signed by parents, remembering locker number and combinations, creating a self-study calendar?

Are there fine motor, memory, processing speed, or intellectual challenges that your child experiences that may be impacting their ability to manage school expectations? e.g. Holding a pencil, taking notes for a certain period of time, or typing on a keyboard, learning differences like dyslexia, dysgraphia, or dyscalcula, not having time to think before raising your hand or being called on to answer a question?

Are there losses of autonomy and control that may be impacting your child’s ability to stay present and connected in their environment? Particularly for PDAers and kids with trauma, these losses of autonomy create a subconscious threat response that significantly impairs their ability to be present, curious, and able to learn. e.g. Are teachers using authoritative, demanding communication styles or tone of voice, like speaking loudly, issuing “barking” commands, or singling out students for public reprimand? Are students punished collectively for the mistakes of a few? Is the teacher using a behavior-rating system, either privately or publically? Are students given space to express their emotions or meet their sensory needs without shame or punishment? Can they go to the bathroom as needed, or are their bodily needs controlled and proscribed? Are there readily available spaces for decompression and recovery after a time of overstimulation or dysregulation? 

Implementing Low Demand Strategies

The low demand approach emphasizes moving at the child’s pace, prioritizing their sense of safety over progress. Building a relationship rooted in safety and trust is crucial. Connection, not correction, is key. 

One of my clients found that instead of pushing her daughter to start her homework immediately after school, her mom spends time playing a game with her, reinforcing their bond and making her daughter feel safe and valued. With that reconnection, she was much more able to move into the demands of homework. Another client takes her son for a long quiet drive through the country every day after school to give his brain and body space to decompress before coming home. This drive became a low-demand, sacred space for connection without any conversation or communication present. 

You can also drop home demands in the back-to-school season to open up more capacity for processing and managing school demands. Typical chore charts, food and eating rules, or bedtime expectations like showering or brushing teeth may suddenly be sites of battles and meltdowns. These demands may be triggering memories of the losses of autonomy during school, when they were powerless to push back and self-advocate. Here at home, in the safety of your love and relationship, they are expressing all of this stress. Perhaps you can release the expectation and embrace the expression. They are telling you something important. Their bodies are processing the stress in the healthiest way they can. 

Managing Parental Anxiety

We all know this: Our well-being is crucial. Children often mirror their parents' stress, so taking care of yourself helps them too. Engage in activities that rejuvenate you—whether it’s reading, exercising, or seeking support from friends or therapy. Transparent communication with your child is also essential. Keep the lines open and honest, and validate your child’s feelings. Sharing your own feelings about new situations can show your child that anxiety is normal and manageable.

Recognize and address your own anxiety related to your child’s school experiences. Seek support and simplify your own demands. Joining a parent support group can provide community and understanding, making the journey less isolating.

Creating a Supportive Environment

Work with teachers and staff to create a supportive environment for your child. Emphasize a low-demand approach in school settings. Meetings with teachers to discuss your child’s needs can lead to an individualized plan that makes school more accommodating. Utilize school-based mental health services and advocate for necessary accommodations. Requesting extra breaks or flexible seating can make a significant difference for your child.

With the right strategies and support, you can find your unique way through the back-to-school anxiety can be managed effectively. Trust the process, prioritize safety, and remember to care for your own mental health as well. Together, you and your child can navigate this journey with compassion and resilience. I believe in you.