How to “Low Demand” Sibling Relationships

 When you have a child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), you know that traditional parenting approaches don’t work. And in sibling relationships, the need for accommodation, flexibility, and understanding becomes even more critical. The “Low Demand Parenting” approach—based on attuning to your child’s real capacity and reducing unnecessary demands—can be a powerful way to support all of your children and create a more peaceful home environment.

The Low Demand Lens: What Does It Mean?

Low demand parenting is about recognizing that we all do well when we can. It’s an approach grounded in the belief that when a child is struggling to meet an expectation, it’s because that expectation is beyond their capacity at that moment—not because they are being willfully defiant or difficult. For PDAers, even small (tiny!!) demands can trigger a huge sense of loss of control, leading to dysregulation and conflict.

But low demand parenting isn’t just for your PDA child—it’s about creating a family culture where everyone’s needs are considered. This means finding ways to accommodate all of your children, reducing unnecessary pressure on everyone, and making space for each child to be themselves without feeling overwhelmed.

Balancing the Needs of All Children

One of the biggest challenges in families with both PDA and non-PDA children is balancing the needs of everyone. Non-PDA siblings often find themselves in the position of being asked to be more accommodating, more flexible, and sometimes more overlooked as the focus shifts to the needs of the PDA sibling. 

While this may be a necessary fact in some situations, it’s important to make sure that non-PDA children don’t feel that their needs are always secondary.

So how can you use the low demand approach to meet the needs of **all** your children?

1. Let Go of Non-Essential Demands

  Start by identifying the demands that aren’t serving your family. What is considered “non-essential” can vary widely from family to family, but what matters is that you’re honed in on this season, these children, and your “deep why,” which is essentially what matters most. If keeping your kids safe is what matters most, then sitting together at the table likely doesn’t. If making it to school is what matters most, then packing your own backpack could be non-essential. Practice letting go of the things that don’t matter, so you can create capacity for what does.

2. Allow for Flexibility  

   Flexibility is key in a low demand approach. This means being willing to adjust expectations as needed. For example, if your non-PDA child wants to play a game with their PDA sibling, but the PDA child isn’t able to engage, consider offering alternatives that work for both kids. Maybe the PDA child can participate in a way that feels less demanding, like helping to set up the game rather than playing directly. Perhaps they would like to be the judge, referee, or time keeper in outdoor play, rather than a participant. 

3. All Kids Need Breaks

   It’s tempting to assume that non-PDA children can handle more, simply because they don’t have the same triggers as their PDA sibling. But they, too, need space to decompress and be accommodated. Giving your non-PDA children permission to step away, take a break, or have one-on-one time with you can help them feel seen and valued. 

Low Demand for Your PDA Child in Sibling Dynamics

The low demand approach also plays a crucial role in how you support your PDA child during sibling interactions. Here are a few strategies to keep in mind:

1. Create Safety and Autonomy

   Sibling relationships often trigger a PDA child’s fear of losing control. Help your PDA child feel safe by offering choices that give them a sense of autonomy. Instead of saying, “You have to share with your sister,” try offering, “Would you like to take a turn first, or would you rather wait until after your sister goes?” These small choices can make a big difference in helping your child feel more in control and less threatened.

2. Reduce Overwhelm 

   It’s important to recognize when sibling dynamics are too much for your PDA child. If you notice signs of overwhelm—such as irritability, avoidance, or sudden outbursts—this may be a sign that the interaction has become too demanding. In these moments, it’s okay to step in and reduce the expectation, offering your child a way to disengage if needed.

3. Acknowledge Successes  

   When your PDAer skillfully navigates a sibling interaction, no matter how small the success, take the time to acknowledge it. Some kids hate positive reinforcement, so go based on your specific child. You might say something like, “I noticed how you gave your sister space when she asked for it. That was really thoughtful.” Or you might simply notice and hold that warm, proud, happy feeling in your heart, knowing that it will spill out onto your PDAer.

Low Demand for Parents: Giving Yourself Permission to 🎵 Let It Go 🎵

It’s not just the kids who benefit from a low demand approach—parents do too. Parenting a child with PDA, especially in the context of sibling relationships, can be incredibly draining. The constant need to mediate, accommodate, and manage conflicts can leave you feeling exhausted. But low demand parenting isn’t just about reducing demands on your children—it’s also about reducing the demands you place on yourself.

Give yourself permission to let go of the idea that you need to “fix” every sibling conflict or have all the answers. There will be moments when you don’t know how to navigate a tricky situation, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is to step back, breathe, and accept that it’s not your job to control everything. Tending to your own regulation absolutely matters too.

Takeaway

Using a low demand approach in sibling dynamics is about creating an environment where **everyone**—PDA and non-PDA siblings alike—feels supported, seen, and accommodated. By letting go of non-essential demands, offering flexibility, and giving each child the space to be themselves, you can reduce the tension in sibling relationships and foster a deeper sense of connection and understanding. And remember, low demand parenting also applies to you—give yourself permission to let things go and focus on what truly matters in this specific season. Things will shift soon enough. We’ve seen miracles happen between siblings who used to wish for each other’s demise on the daily. Small steps add up to big shifts.