De-Shaming Sibling Conflict

Our Role in Supporting Our Kids Through Conflict

Sibling conflicts are inevitable, but when shame becomes part of the dynamic, these moments can feel especially painful and damaging. For families with children who are highly sensitive, neurodivergent, or with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), sibling fights can escalate quickly, leaving lasting scars on everyone involved.

As parents, we may unintentionally bring shame into these moments—by dismissing feelings, assigning blame, or imposing consequences—without realizing it’s the very thing fueling the conflict. When kids feel misunderstood, rejected, or labeled as “bad,” shame grows, deepening the cycles of tension and disconnection.

The goal isn’t to eliminate sibling conflict (impossible!) but to help our children move through it with less shame, more understanding, and stronger repair. By focusing on de-shaming our responses, we can reduce harm and create opportunities for healing.

Understanding Shame in Sibling Conflicts

Sibling conflict often emerges from a child’s struggle to manage big emotions and re-establish a sense of safety or control. For PDAers especially, conflicts frequently involve “rebalancing” behaviors—a way to regulate autonomy or equality within relationships. While this may look like grabbing a toy, lashing out, or making sharp remarks, these behaviors aren’t rooted in malice. They’re a response to internal overwhelm.

When parents react with shame—through punishment, criticism, or dismissing emotions—it exacerbates the issue. Shame tells children they’re broken or unworthy of connection, making it harder for them to regulate their emotions and repair relationships. Instead, we can approach these moments with compassion and curiosity, breaking the shame cycle and guiding our children toward healthier conflict resolution.

 Steps to De-Shame and Support Through Conflict

1. Start with Deep Listening
Shame thrives in silence and dismissal. Break the cycle by listening deeply to each child without judgment or correction. This involves validating their emotions and acknowledging their experiences, even when those feelings are uncomfortable to hear.

Let them express even their darkest thoughts about their sibling without fear of rejection.

Say:
"You hate [sibling]. Things feel unfair. That’s really hard."

It’s okay for them to share that they hate each other, want to hurt each other, or wish they weren’t born. These are just the thoughts and feelings they’re having in the moment. Naming them doesn’t make them true or dangerous. In fact, being heard often helps to diffuse the shame fueling those thoughts.

2. Separate First, Teach Lessons Later
When conflict escalates, it’s okay to physically separate your children—not as punishment, but as a way to reset overwhelmed nervous systems.

I focus on moving the more regulated child and letting the overwhelmed one calm down in place. This isn’t “rewarding bad behavior”—it’s a practical approach to create space for everyone to regain composure.

Once everyone is safe and calm, revisit the conflict together. The key is letting emotions settle before diving into discussions.

Say:
"Let’s take as long as we need to get steady, and then we’ll talk about what happened."

3. Use Curiosity, Not Blame
Shame grows in environments of blame. Replace accusations with curiosity to help your children reflect on their emotions and the situation.

Ask:
"What felt hard before this started?"
"What did you try to make it better?"

Focus on what led to the conflict, rather than the blow-by-blow details. This helps reveal where your child’s skills are strong and where they may need support, all without judgment.

4. Focus on Repair, Not Punishment
Shame isolates; repair reconnects. Rather than focusing on punishment or consequences, guide your children toward meaningful repair.

Ask:
"How can you make things right?"

Repair can look like an apology, an act of kindness, or a thoughtful gesture—like sharing a snack, dropping off a favorite toy, or sending a meme. These small acts help re-establish trust and connection.

With a low-demand lens, we recognize that everyone does well when they can. Parenting tools like reward charts, punishments, and lectures don’t work for PDAers and often deepen shame, breaking down trust.

5. Create an “All Feelings Are Safe” Family Culture
Sibling conflicts often arise because one child doesn’t feel safe expressing their emotions. By creating a culture where all feelings—even anger, sadness, and shame—are welcome, you can help your children process their emotions before they erupt into conflict.

This might mean regular one-on-one check-ins or setting aside family time for open conversations.

If this feels unfamiliar or triggering, it may be helpful to reflect on how emotions were handled in your own upbringing. Working with a counselor or trusted support person can help you process these feelings while creating a healthier emotional landscape for your family.

6. Model Healthy Conflict Resolution
Children learn how to handle shame and conflict by watching us. When you navigate disagreements with your partner, family, or even your kids, be transparent about your process.

• Admit your mistakes.
• Name what you need to make things right.
• Model repair in action.

By showing your kids how to resolve conflict with honesty and care, you teach them that mistakes don’t define them—and that relationships can be repaired.

Takeaway

Shame is often the unspoken root of sibling conflicts, making these moments feel heavier and harder to navigate. But when we de-shame our responses, we give our children the tools to handle conflict with compassion, resilience, and connection.

By deeply listening, fostering repair, and modeling healthy resolution, we can help our kids move beyond cycles of blame and disconnection. Over time, sibling fights can become opportunities for healing and growth—not just sources of stress.